


And We Know It's Never Simple, Never Easy

by commanderslexas



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-06
Updated: 2015-08-14
Packaged: 2018-04-03 05:07:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 20,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4088065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commanderslexas/pseuds/commanderslexas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU where Clarke needs a new roommate fast and Lexa just moved into town and needs a place to stay but they both never thought it would turn out like this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

Clarke paused before opening the door to her empty apartment. She knew what was waiting for her. Nothing. Octavia, her roommate of one year and her best friend of more than twenty years, had moved in with her boyfriend Lincoln. She couldn’t blame her of course, Lincoln was one of the nicest guys she had met and he was the best boyfriend Octavia had ever had. She just missed her best friend.   
Opening the door to her now half empty apartment, she dropped her keys on the counter. She missed coming home to Octavia watching television or listening to music. It was unnerving to come home to a silent flat.   
Damn Octavia, Clarke thought as she opened her laptop, although she didn’t really mean it. She just missed her, was all.  
As her laptop turned on, she poured herself a glass of whiskey and took a sip, loving the burning feeling it left. It had been a long shift at the coffee shop she worked at, and she needed to relax.   
Her computer dinged then and Clarke spun around to look at the email she had just received. It was a reply to the ad she had put out on Craigslist looking for a new roommate. She glanced at her pile of bills on the counter next to her, the one on top reading LATE RENT.   
Clarke took a deep breath and opened the email, her eyes scanning hopefully over the screen.   
“Yes!” she threw a fist in the air. The email said that there was a person who was interested in rooming with her.   
She wrote an email back quickly, asking if they would like to come by tomorrow at 8:00 a.m. to check it out. After sending it, she sat back in her chair and took another sip of her whiskey.   
Her day off was tomorrow, and she wanted to get a new roommate moved in as fast as she could so she could start splitting the bills again.   
Damn Octavia, she thought again, still not really meaning it.   
The laptop dinged again, drawing her attention back to the matter at hand. That had been fast. The email said that they would come by tomorrow at 8:00 a.m. Clarke again smiled and shouted “Yes!” to no one in particular.   
She laughed at herself for being silly, but she was used to Octavia being around. 

***  
Lexa knocked on apartment 2B, the one that she had been told to. It was exactly 8:00. She waited a minute before she raised her hand to knock again but then the door opened. Standing before her was a blonde girl, wearing only a tank top and boxer shorts. Her hair was a tangled mess but it still looked good on her. The girl was smiling as she held out a hand.  
Lexa looked down at it as the girl said, “You must be here for the apartment. I’m Clarke Griffin, nice to meet you.”   
All Lexa said in reply was, “I’m Lexa. Woods.” The girl dropped her hand.   
Great job, Lexa thought to herself. Being unfriendly is a good way to get this apartment that you need like… now.   
So Lexa tried to smile but it didn’t work, so she said, “Can I come in and take a look?”  
The girl, Clarke, nodded and held the door open wider, mumbling something about how she shouldn’t have arranged this so early.  
Lexa felt the need to smile as she passed by her, but the feeling disappeared swiftly.   
The apartment was nice. To the left was a small living room with a couch and television. To the right was a little kitchen with a two person table. Further down straight ahead was a hallway, which Lexa guessed led to the bedrooms.   
“Right this way,” Clarke said, her tone still light and cheerful.   
How could she be so cheerful this early in the morning?   
“Would you like coffee?” Clarke asked.  
Lexa shook her head.  
They stood there awkwardly for a few moments then Clarke said, “I guess I’ll show you around.”  
She took her down the hallway, pointed to the first door on the right that was the bathroom. Then the door on the left would be Lexa’s room and the door at the end of the hall was Clarke’s. They then returned to the kitchen.  
“So,” Clarke broke the silence that had filled the air for the last five minutes, “what brings you to D.C.?”   
Lexa just stared at Clarke. She was not here to make small talk, she just needed a place to stay. This could even be temporary, if all went well at her new job. She hoped it would be.   
Clarke pressed her lips together, not knowing what to say.  
“I’ll take it,” Lexa announced, knowing she had no other choice.  
All the other apartments she had looked at were either in bad neighborhoods or had weird roommates. Clarke was the least weird, she supposed.   
The blonde jumped in the air and threw her arms around Lexa, surprising her so much that she took a step back. She didn’t return the embrace. Why is she touching me? she thought to herself. But she was also thinking, Wow, this girl is touching me and it feels really nice and she smells good too.   
Clarke backed off, composing herself but still smiling. “Don’t worry, you won’t regret this,” she assured.  
Lexa just nodded once. “I’ll go get my things.” She rushed out of the apartment, cursing herself for being attracted to her new roommate. 

***  
It was excellent that she had found a roommate so fast. Clarke was sipping her coffee at the counter, waiting for Lexa to come back with her stuff. But it was also unfortunate that her new roommate was extremely attractive.   
When she had first opened the door and seen her, Clarke had tried to keep her cool. The brunette had flawless skin and looked like she worked out. And the whole ‘no shenanigans attitude’ which probably rubbed a lot of people the wrong way actually just made her more attractive to Clarke.   
Her thoughts were interrupted when Lexa knocked on the door. She let her in.   
“I should probably get you a key,” Clarke said.   
Lexa just nodded once again and Clarke couldn’t help but smile.   
“How much more stuff do you have?” she asked her new roommate. “I can start bringing it up so this goes faster.”  
“That isn’t necessary,” Lexa said curtly.   
Clarke waved her hands, “Oh no, it’s fine. I would love to help.”  
Lexa shook her head. “I can handle it. I don’t have that much more, anyways.”   
Clarke looked down at the two boxes Lexa was holding now. How did she have so few belongings, she wondered.   
“Okay, I’ll just let you… do your thing then.”   
She got out of Lexa’s way and went to the living room. In the corner was her art easel, where a painting of a park somewhere in D.C. sat. Clarke was working on filling in the details at the moment. Which she was failing at.   
Little curses kept flying out of her mouth every few minutes as she lost herself in her work. She couldn't get this one color right, or this shadow to look realistic. Her back began to hurt from hunching over, but she paid no attention to it.  
When her hand began to cramp, it caused her to paint a line of green across the pond in the background.   
“Shit!” Clarke yelled, quickly trying to fix the mistake.  
Lexa came out of her room then. “Is everything all right?”  
Honestly, Clarke had forgotten she had a roommate. The past few weeks she had gotten used to being able to say whatever she wanted with no one around to hear.  
She turned around to look at Lexa. “Yeah, sorry, I was just getting frustrated with my painting.”   
Lexa’s eyes flittered to the canvas behind Clarke. She opened her mouth slightly like she was about to say something, and Clarke expected it to be something of a compliment. Instead, all she said was, “I’m all finished packing.”   
Standing, Clarke glanced at the clock. It was about eleven.   
“I have to be at work in about an hour, but would you like to eat lunch with me?”   
Lexa pressed her lips together, as if she was weighing her options. “I suppose that would be okay,” she finally said. “I just need to finish a few things in my room.”   
“That’s fine,” Clarke said, glad that she was actually getting a conversation with the girl. “I’ll just make it, so don’t you worry about anything.”   
Again, Lexa just nodded once then disappeared into her room.  
Clarke took out a pan and some vegetables, preparing to make stir fry. Everyone likes stir fry, right? She begins humming to herself as she prepares the food, and soon she has it cooking over the stove.  
But Clarke had never really been that great a cook, and just a few minutes later, the smoke detector was going off.   
“Shit!” she shouted, waving a towel beneath the damn thing, trying to make it shut up.  
Lexa came out, her eyes wide for a moment. “What the hell?”   
Clarke stopped what she had been doing and looked at Lexa. She smiled and shrugged. “I may not have cooked for a while. Octavia—that’s my old roommate— was always the better cook and so I thought I would give it a try.” She closed her mouth then because she realized she had been rambling in front of her extremely hot roommate who was looking at her like she was crazy.  
“I’ll just cook,” Lexa finally said. She sounded annoyed and Clarke flinched. “You can go get ready for work and I won’t have to worry about you burning the building down.”   
Clarke laughed, thinking Lexa had made a joke with her but from the look on the other woman’s face, she hadn’t been kidding.  
She went in the bathroom and showered, changed into her uniform, and came back into the kitchen where the burnt smell was now mostly masked by something delicious.   
Lexa was just serving out the stir fry on two plates when Clarke had come in.   
“Smells fantastic,” Clarke said.  
They sat down at the two-person table and began eating.   
“Holy shit this is amazing, Lexa,” Clarke said after taking a bite.  
“Thank you.” Lexa ate hers carefully.  
After a few beats of silence, Clarke wiped her mouth with a napkin and asked, “So where do you work?”   
“I just am starting a job in the city at a law firm.”  
Clarke was surprised. Lexa didn’t look old enough to be a lawyer. “How old are you?” she blurted out, not realizing it was a rude question.  
And the expression on Lexa’s face told Clarke it had been rude. But she answered anyway. “Twenty-five.”   
Swallowing a bite of food she had just taken, Clarke looked up in surprise once again. Lexa looked younger than twenty-five, but she acted way older than that. “I’m twenty-three. Where did you go to school?”  
“Yale,” Lexa stated simply.  
“Yale?” Clarke repeated, having been surprised for the third time.   
Lexa shrugged. “Yes, where did you go to school?”  
Clarke tried to regain her composure. “I went to a fine arts academy in New York and graduated just a few months ago.”  
Nodding, Lexa said, “Then why are you back here in D.C.?”  
Leaning back in her chair, finished with her meal, Clarke replied, “I grew up here. My mom lives about twenty minutes away.”  
“Must be nice,” Lexa said, finished with her meal as well.  
“Do you have family around here?”   
Lexa only shook her head. Right, so they were back to square one with one-worded answers. Clarke glanced down at her phone.   
“I have to go to work now. I work just at that coffee shop down the street, you probably passed it on the way in.”  
“I believe I did,” Lexa said.   
“I’ll see you later, then,” Clarke said as she left the apartment and closed the door behind her.  
She thought to herself as she walked down the street, that maybe she should have questioned Lexa more. To, you know, make sure she wasn’t a serial killer or would just take all her stuff and leave.   
After her shift was over, Clarke said goodbye to Raven who worked there with her, then went home. The apartment was dark and silent and for a moment, she forgets she had gotten a new roommate that day.   
But Lexa isn’t there, and Clarke flicks on the light, relieved to see her T.V. is still there. So she wasn’t a thief… Probably.  
Clarke sat down on the couch as a feeling of loneliness washed over her. That had been happening a lot recently. It was only eight so she texted Bellamy to ask if he could come over.   
Fifteen minutes later he was at her door.   
“Where’s this new roommate of yours?” he asked once she had let him in. He was in faded jeans and a black T-shirt, and his hair needed a trim badly.   
“Wait, how did you find out about that?”   
He shrugged, sitting on the couch next to her. “Raven.”  
“Ahh,” Clarke said. “So, it’s your turn to pick out the movie.”  
“Yes,” Bellamy smirked and rubbed his hands together as he flipped to Netflix.   
He settled on some action movie that Clarke actually didn’t mind that much. She cuddled close to him for warmth and they watched in silence.   
“So how was your day?” Clarke finally asked.  
Bellamy shrugged. “It was normal. I gave Lincoln a very serious talk about moving in with my sister.”   
Bellamy and Lincoln both worked at the police station. They had gone through training academy together and had been best friends ever since.   
Clarke laughed. “Are you regretting ever introducing them at that party?”  
He shook his head. “Nah, he’s good for her. He keeps her tame.”   
“Tame? Octavia? Never,” Clarke teased.   
They talk some more and when the movie was over, Bellamy cleared his throat.  
“So, I met this girl,” he began to say.   
Clarke sat up, a wide grin on her face. “No way! What’s her name?”  
Bellamy shrugged. “Here’s the thing, I don’t know if you’re going to approve.”   
She was about to ask why when the door opened and Lexa came in.   
“Oh,” Lexa said, surprised that there was someone else here. “I wasn’t aware that you would have… company.” She was wearing a suit, than Clarke could only assume were her work clothes.   
Her and Bellamy both stood at the same time. Bellamy walked over and held his hand out.   
“You must be the new roommate. I’m Bellamy.”   
Lexa, to Clarke’s astonishment, took his hand and gave it a firm shake. “Lexa.”   
Bellamy nodded and Lexa walked over to the kitchen, out of earshot.   
“I guess you should probably go,” Clarke said. As Bellamy walked out, she whispered, “And don’t think I’m done questioning you about this girl.”   
He just chuckled and she shut the door.   
Clarke made her way over to the kitchen then. Lexa was standing there and didn’t look pleased.   
Before she could say anything, Lexa said stiffly, “Clarke, if you’re going to have your boyfriend over at late hours I would at least like to know ahead of time.”   
Clarke couldn’t say anything because as soon as she opened her mouth, she started laughing. Hard. She couldn’t get a hold of herself.   
“Mockery is not the product of a sound mine, Clarke,” Lexa said dryly.   
Trying to contain herself, Clarke stood upright and tried to speak through a wide smile. “Bellamy and I aren’t… No. We’ve been best friends since we were young. He’s Octavia’s brother.”   
Lexa’s expression remains plain, even after Clarke’s outburst. “Your last roommate.”  
“Right.” Clarke ran a hand through her hair and started walking towards her room but she turned around and added, “Also, I don’t have a boyfriend.”   
Lexa just nodded and Clarke ducked into her room. 

***  
So Clarke doesn’t have a boyfriend. Lexa pondered this as she came home from work the next day. Could that mean that she… No, just because she didn’t have a boyfriend didn’t mean that she was into girls. But why would a hot girl like Clarke, who is extremely friendly, not have a guy in her life?   
Get a grip, she told herself. Clarke was most likely not into girls, especially not her, and why should she care anyway? She needed to get over it.   
It was a Friday and Lexa had decided to come home early. She couldn’t stand to be at the office any longer, so she was going to do some work at home.  
But when she walked in with her new key that Clarke had left for her that morning, there were people in the living room. A lot of them, in Lexa’s book. She spotted Clarke among them. They had food and beer out and seemed to be playing video games.   
“Hey, it’s New Roommate!” one of them shouted. It was a boy with shaggy brown hair and a beer in his hand.  
“Jasper,” Clarke snapped at the boy as she stood up and came over. “I didn’t know you’d be home early, I hope you don’t mind.”   
Lexa did mind. She minded a lot.   
But all she said was, “No, it’s fine. I’ll just be in my room.”   
She disappeared as quickly as she could, hoping they wouldn’t ask her to stay and play. Lexa had never done well with groups.   
In her room, she could still hear them outside, but she hoped she would be able to focus. Pulling out her laptop, she took out a case file that needed reading.   
After a few minutes, she realized reading this also required silence. She tried to ignore the obnoxious voices coming from the living room. It didn’t really work.   
Especially when they began talking about her.   
A girl voice said, “Is she going out?”   
“I don’t know.” That was Clarke’s voice.  
“Well,” said a second girl voice, “if she isn’t going out on a Friday night, what the hell is she doing in there?”   
Lexa rolled her eyes but couldn’t stop listening.   
“Shut up,” Clarke said. “She’s just… different.”   
That made Lexa’s stomach twist for some reason. Why should she care what her new roommate thought of her?   
“Maybe you should just invite her to hang with us.” Lexa recognized that as the voice of Jasper. “She’s smoking hot, why not?”   
That was followed by a few laughs and taunting voices against Jasper.   
But then Lexa heard footsteps coming towards her door. Oh no. Please no. Then there was a knock. Shit.   
Lexa stood up, still wearing her work clothes but without the suit jacket, and opened her door. Clarke was standing there, looking really pretty in the lighting, which was hard to do.   
“Hey,” she said with a smile, “do you want to come hang with us? I know my friends can seem rowdy and obnoxious but they’re really nice.”   
“No, I have work to do,” Lexa said.  
Clarke folded her arms and a look of worry crossed her face. “Are you sure? I mean, you’re in a new city, I feel like you could use some friends.”   
This pissed Lexa off. She would do just fine without friends, including her roommate. “I don’t need anything, especially not from you,” she snapped then slammed the door.   
Lexa Woods didn’t need anybody. 

***  
Clarke laid in her bed, afraid to get up. It was Saturday, so she had the day off, so theoretically, she could stay in bed all day hiding from Lexa. But her head was pounding from lack of coffee and she needed some now.   
So she rolled out, brushed her hair (which she had never done when Octavia lived there) and walked out in her shorts and tank top that she had slept in.   
Lexa wasn’t out yet. Clarke was beginning to realize that her roommate didn’t like the mornings very much. On the other hand, Clarke liked them. Mostly because she got coffee but that was beside the point.   
As soon as she had some coffee made, Lexa came out. Her pajamas were boxers and a tank top like Clarke’s. Even though she had just woken up, Clarke noted how nice she looked with her braided hair.   
“Hey,” Clarke said, offering Lexa a cup of fresh coffee. A peace offering.  
Lexa took it and grunted a hello, sitting down at the counter.   
Clarke sucked in a deep breath. “Listen, Lexa, I’m sorry about last night. It was rude of me to say that and to have them stay late too. I knew you had work to do and I should have respected that.”  
The other girl sipped her coffee, not looking at Clarke. “It’s fine, Clarke.”   
Clarke wasn’t sure if she had actually meant it, but Lexa just kept sipping her coffee and looking at the newspaper.   
“So…” Clarke said, hating the silence. “What are you doing today?”   
Now Lexa’s eyes flickered up towards her. “I was planning on working.”  
Clarke groaned. “Again? Jesus, Lexa, do you ever have any fun?”  
She watched Lexa try to hide a smile. “It’s a new job, Clarke. I have a lot to do.”   
Walking over to Lexa, she grabbed the girls hand. It felt soft and light in her own, and Clarke tried not to notice how nice it felt. “Come on, we have to do something. You just moved here, I can show you around!”  
Lexa was looking down at their hands. Her voice was quiet when she said, “I guess I could just finish it tomorrow.”   
Cheering, Clarke smiled widely. “Alright, let’s go!”  
“Now?” Lexa asked, taking another sip of coffee. “We just got up.”   
Clarke gave a mock frown then laughed. “You really don’t like mornings, do you?” Lexa shook her head. “Well, it’s a big city and we don’t have all day.”   
“Fine,” Lexa said, a hint of a smile on her lips.   
They both went to get dressed, but Clarke was out first. She wore shorts with a T-shirt and had her sunglasses with. It was a warm, sunny day and she hoped she would get a tan.   
Lexa came out a few minutes later, wearing shorts with a black tank and a green flannel over it. Clarke tried not to stare at her long legs.   
“Ready?” Lexa asked, watching Clarke’s eyes wander.   
She swallowed hard, her mouth suddenly dry. “Yeah.”   
Clarke took her to the art museum first, stating it was the most important place to go. “It’s where I go if I have trouble for inspiration or am just feeling down,” she explained while they walked down the halls.   
They walked in silence for a while, but Clarke threw in a few comments about each piece. Once they came across her favorite painting, she wouldn’t shut up. She was going on about how the artist had done this for this reason and what it all meant in the scheme of things and once she had realized she was rambling she stopped and glanced at Lexa who had been staring at her the whole time.   
After that, Clarke took her to the Lincoln memorial. They grabbed bread from a vender there and ate on the steps, looking across the Mall to the Washington Monument.   
“This is my friend Lincoln’s favorite place, mostly because he was named after it,” Clarke said. “He’s dating Octavia,” she added. She hoped talking about her friends with Lexa would make her feel more comfortable around them. “So, where did you grow up?”  
Lexa was hesitant to answer. When Clarke was about to give up, she finally said, “I’m from California.”   
“Wow, so you went to school all the way over here and then moved out here for your job?” She nodded. “Was it worth it?”  
“I loved college, I was top of my class.” Lexa let out a dry laugh. “I loved learning.”   
“Are you glad you became a lawyer?”   
Lexa shrugged. “Yeah, my dad wanted me to be one.”  
Clarke leaned back on a step. “Oh, I understand that.”   
The brunette looked over at her. “Your parents wanted you to be an artist?”  
Letting out a humorless laugh, Clarke shook her head. “No, my mom wanted me to be a doctor.” It was silent for a minute. “We umm, don’t really talk anymore.”  
“I understand that, too,” Lexa said softly. “My parents divorced when I was young. I lived with my dad. And my mom… Well, we don’t talk either.”  
Clarke glanced over at Lexa, who was staring out at the view before them. She felt sorry for the girl, that she had experienced a divorce so young.   
“What about your dad?” Lexa asked.  
Clarke gulped. “He died when I was fifteen. Car accident.”   
“I’m sorry,” Lexa said, now looking at her with green eyes.   
She shrugged. “It’s okay, it was a while ago.” Clarke didn’t want to talk about this anymore, so she stood up and brushed off the crumbs. “Come on, we have to walk all the way to that pointy thing.” She pointed to the Washington Monument.   
Lexa stood next to her. “Lead the way.”   
They walked in silence after their somewhat heavy talk. Clarke noticed when their hands kept brushing together and she smiled to herself.   
“Did you enjoy high school?” Clarke asked then.  
Lexa was again quiet for a while until she spoke. “I went to boarding school.”   
“Boarding school? That sounds fun,” she said sarcastically. “Did you do anything fun there?”  
“Not all boarding schools are the same, Clarke,” Lexa explained. “But no, not really.” She cast her eyes down.   
Clarke could tell she didn’t want to talk about it anymore so she asked about law school. And that actually got her talking some. She could tell that Lexa was pretty passionate about it.   
They went to the Washington Monument, then made their way back towards the apartment, their feet hurting too much to do anything else. But they stopped by Clarke’s coffee shop on their way back.  
“I need my second dose of the day,” Clarke admitted.   
“Why don’t you get coffee here every morning?” Lexa wondered.  
“I enjoy making my own. Part of the routine. Although, the coffee here is amazing.”   
They walked in and ordered. While they were waiting, Clarke spotted Raven and… Bellamy? They were talking at a table together, Raven must have been on her break.   
“Aren’t those your friends?” Lexa asked.   
“Yeah, let’s go say hi.” Clarke dragged her over.  
“Clarke, hey!” Raven said. “What brings you here?”   
Lexa stood beside Clarke, her shoulders stiff and uncomfortable looking. Clarke nudged her forward. “I was just showing Lexa here around the city. Brought her to some of the sights.”   
Raven looked at Lexa. “Oh, did she take you to the art museum?” When Lexa nodded, Raven put a hand on her arm. “I’m so sorry you had to suffer through that,” she teased.   
“Shut it, Reyes,” Clarke said. “So, what are you guys up to?”  
Bellamy shifted in his seat. “Just visiting a friend at work.”  
Raven gave him an odd look. “Right. Well I have to get back. I’ll see you guys later!” She waved and went back behind the counter.  
“We should probably get back too, it’s been a long day,” Clarke said. “Bye, Bellamy,” she said, waving.   
Lexa shuffled behind Clarke, giving Bellamy an awkward wave. Clarke laughed to herself.   
Once they were outside and heading back to their building, Clarke asked Lexa, “Did they look, I don’t know, close? Like more than friends? They were acting weird.”   
Lexa just shrugged. “I don’t know why you’re asking me, I thought you two were dating.”   
Clarke laughed.   
***  
It was late in the afternoon when Lexa heard Clarke come in. And she wasn’t alone. She had brought her friends.   
Lexa groaned in frustration as she sat in her room on her computer. Since she hadn’t worked yesterday, she had a lot more to do today and no motivation. And now Clarke had brought her friends home. Her loud friends.   
But it was partly Lexa’s fault for still working. She should have finished a while ago, but she hadn’t been able to focus. She just kept recalling memories from spending the day with Clarke yesterday. She didn’t know why, except for one reason: She had had fun. Lexa hadn’t had fun in so long and it felt… refreshing.   
Yet, now she was paying for it with a headache from the stress of not being able to focus and the fear that she might not get it all done.   
So she got up, put on a brave face, and walked out into the living room where they had all gathered.  
“Clarke,” she said plainly and beckoned for the blonde to come over.   
“What?” Clarke asked once they are in the hall.   
“When will your friends be leaving?”   
Clarke shifted on her feet. “I don’t know, soon. Why?”   
Lexa looked down at Clarke. “I just have some work I need to get done is all.”   
The blonde nodded. “Okay, I will get them out soon.”   
Soon my ass, Lexa thought to herself two hours later, when they were still there and she still wasn’t finished.   
It was midnight when she was done but it was two a.m. when she was still awake because Clarke and here friends were still here.   
The next morning, Lexa comes out into the kitchen to see Clarke making coffee and humming to herself as usual. As if she hadn’t gone to bed three hours ago.   
Clarke turned and handed Lexa her coffee, now knowing how to make it for her. “Good morning,” she said.   
Lexa glared at her. “How can one be so chipper after staying up so late?” She sipped her coffee.   
Losing the smile, Clarke frowned. “Oh, sorry about last night. I lost track of time. I thought that they would leave earlier.”   
“Clarke,” Lexa said curtly, “some of us have serious work to do and we can’t get it done when their roommate’s obnoxious friends are right outside their door.” Her voice was harsher than she had meant for it to be.   
Clarke set her coffee down. “Sorry, what was the comment about ‘serious work?’ You think just because you went to a nice school and have a lot of money that you’re more superior than I am?”   
Lexa stood up then, her face a mask of anger. “That isn’t what I meant, but please continue on what you really think of me.”  
“Ever since you moved here, you have acted like you’re above me. The way you talk to me, the way you carry yourself.” Clarke’s voice was filling with venom. “You think you’re so much better than I am just because your daddy has so much money to give away to you.”  
Lexa’s face was hot and her palms were sweaty. “You know nothing, Clarke,” she growled then slammed the door to her room.   
Her stomach was in a knot, but she didn’t know why. Clarke had deserved the sharp attitude, especially after what she had said. But Lexa still felt guilty. 

***  
Clarke spent the whole day at work worrying about their fight. She had said things she shouldn’t have. But Lexa was just so… She didn’t know. Yes, Lexa had acted like she was superior, but that was practically true. Yet, Clarke still felt the need to apologize when she got home.   
But after a quick conversation with Raven after work, she was angry again as she unlocked her apartment door.   
She saw the lights on in Lexa’s room and guessed she was probably working. So Clarke cranked up her iPhone in her speakers and got to work on her newest art project.   
She had the canvas set up on the easel in the living room corner, where it stood by the window. It only took two minutes before Lexa stormed out of her room. Clarke smiled before turning around to face her.   
Lexa’s arms were at her sides in fists and her brow was furrowed in anger. “Seriously?” she shouted over the music.   
Clarke had to admit, it kind of turned her on seeing Lexa all riled up.   
“What?” she asked innocently.   
Lexa strode over to her, coming right up to Clarke’s face in an attempt to intimidate. It didn’t work.   
“This is childish, Clarke.”   
“What is?”   
Lexa’s eyes looked Clarke up and down quickly before she said, “This game of yours. Just stay out of my way and I’ll stay out of yours.”   
“Or what?” Clarke asked. “This sounds like a challenge.”  
Lexa was so close to her, but Clarke wouldn’t give her the satisfaction in taking a step back. She stood her ground.   
“Then you should know,” Lexa said quietly but with intensity, “I always win.”   
And with that, she turned and walked back into her room.   
Clarke was left breathless in the living room, the music still blasting. What had she just started?


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU where Clarke needs a new roommate fast and Lexa just moved into town and needs a place to stay but they both never thought it would turn out like this.

Damn, Lexa was good at this whole revenge thing. And Clarke hated it. She loved to win, but apparently Lexa loved to just as much.  
But it was really pissing Clarke off now, as she stood in a cold shower, just knowing that Lexa had used up all the hot water on purpose. This was Clarke’s day off, so she had woken up just after her roommate had left.  
It was her fault, really, for being so foolish to let Lexa wake up before her.  
Clarke shut off the shower and dried herself off, reveling in the warmth that the towel gave her. Once she was dressed, she went out to make her much needed cup of coffee.  
“Oh hell no,” she muttered to herself as she opened the cupboard, seeing no cream there. She checked the trash and saw that the cream container was empty. Empty.  
What was she supposed to do with cream-less coffee? She might as well just drink it without sugar too. A feeling of panic washed over her as she opened the cupboard again, seeing no sugar.  
“I’m gonna kill her,” Clarke explained to Raven and Octavia about thirty minutes later. She had invited them over, asking them to bring along coffee. They were all sitting on the living room floor now, sipping their beverages.  
“Well, you obviously can’t keep calling us here for coffee every morning,” Octavia stated. “She seriously took all the cream and sugar? Damn, that’s cold.”  
Raven chuckled. “Not as cold as the shower, huh Griffin?”  
Clarke glared at both of her friends. “This isn’t funny, guys. I think I started something I can’t end.”  
“Clarke Griffin… Admitting she’s losing? Something I thought I’d never see,” Octavia teased.  
Clarke threw her head in her hands. “What am I going to do?”  
Raven punched her arm playfully. “Chin up, you need to get her back. Way worse than this. Come on, a cold shower and bad coffee? That’s nothing.”  
Sighing, Clarke rubbed her tired eyes. “It’s been going on like this for two weeks. I’m tired.” She leaned back against the couch finishing off the coffee that Octavia had so kindly provided for her. “And the only time we talk is when we’re yelling at each other about this stupid thing.”  
Octavia and Raven glanced at each other.  
Clarke ran a hand through her hair. “No, you guys are right. I want to win.”  
“That’s the Clarke we know and love!” Raven said with a smile.  
“Okay,” Clarke decided, “enough about me.” She looked to Octavia. “How’s living with Lincoln?”  
Octavia smiled. “What do you want to know?”  
“I want to know if you left me stranded for a good reason.”  
Octavia shrugged. “I love living with him. I get to see him every morning and see him every night when he gets home.”  
Raven gagged. “You guys are so gross.”  
Clarke leaned into Octavia. “Cause you’re so in love.”  
Octavia pushed Clarke back with a laugh. “Shut up you guys.”  
Raven was pointing at Octavia, “Look, she’s blushing!”  
“Okay hot shot,” Octavia retorted, “what about that new guy you’ve been seeing? You haven’t even told me his name?”  
Shaking her head, Raven stood up. “Oh no, I’m not telling you guys anything.”  
“Come on, Reyes,” Clarke called after her friend who walked towards the kitchen.  
Raven looked back, throwing them a sly look. “Not a word.”  
The girls spent the whole day together. After their coffee, they went out for lunch then ran a few errands. When they had gotten back, they stayed in the kitchen talking. Clarke felt like she never saw her friends enough, especially after Octavia had moved out.  
Their apartment had been the gathering place for everyone, but now it was all scattered. And no one wanted to come to Clarke’s when Lexa was around.  
At that moment, Lexa came in and the conversation between the other three girls came to a halt.  
Octavia and Raven watched her as she came in, avoiding all eyes.  
“You guys should probably go,” Clarke muttered as Lexa put her things down on the kitchen table.  
“See you later, I’ll call you,” Octavia said then was out the door.  
Raven hugged Clarke then whispered, “Burn the witch,” before following Octavia out.  
Clarke hid a smile but it disappeared when she turned towards Lexa, who was in the kitchen now.  
“I bought more cream and sugar,” Clarke said with venom on her tongue.  
She saw Lexa smile slightly, but it was a smile that someone wore when they had won. Clarke ground her teeth together. This isn’t over yet, Lexa, she thought to herself as she went to her room for the night, not wanting to see her smug smile.  
The next morning, Clarke made sure she get up extra early to get ahead of Lexa. She had to get to work anyway, but she didn’t want to risk Lexa beating her to the punch.  
When she took a shower, Clarke stayed in extra long to try and run out all the hot water. It didn’t take long because the apartment was always running out of hot water. Then she made her coffee but hid the rest of the bags so that Lexa wouldn’t have any. For the finishing touch, she left music blasting before leaving with a smirk on her face. Clarke slipped out of the apartment and wished she could have stayed to see Lexa’s reaction.  
But a half hour later, when Clarke was serving coffee next to Raven, she spotted Lexa walking in.  
“What the hell?” she muttered, watching her roommate closely.  
Raven was on register when Lexa walked up. Putting on a fake smile, Raven asked what she would like.  
In a plain voice, Lexa said, “It appears as if someone took all the coffee in my apartment.”  
Raven chuckled and glanced at Clarke, throwing her a wink. Clarke watched Raven take Lexa’s order, not listening to the rest. She was distracted by how good Lexa looked. She was wearing a business suit, but she wore that every day. It was the fact that her hair, her makeup looked flawless.  
Clarke couldn’t stop staring, even as Lexa walked out, wearing an expression that she knew she looked good.  
Walking over to Raven, she said, “What the hell? I give her cold water, no coffee, and wake her up with loud music, and she still looks amazing.”  
“Please Griffin, control your gay before it gets in the way of your revenge,” Raven teased. 

***  
This rivalry was getting childish, Lexa thought as she entered her apartment late that night. But I need to win.  
It had been a long day at the office, so she knew Clarke was in bed by now. She hoped there were no shenanigans that the blonde had left for her, but it didn’t appear that there were.  
So she dug out the coffee packs that she had found earlier that morning. Clarke really hadn’t hidden them that well. Then she threw all of them in the trash, emptying them one by one.  
She wiped her hands and smiled to herself. Take that, Clarke.  
In the morning, Lexa heard a pounding on her door.  
“Lexa!” Clarke was shouting.  
Having just returned from her morning jog, Lexa was wearing only a sports bra and shorts and she was sweating. But she opened the door anyway, anticipating the angry look the blonde would have.  
Clarke was there, seething, wearing her little shorts and tank top. At the sight of Lexa, though, she lost her fire for a moment. Her eyes wandered down Lexa’s body, and Lexa couldn’t help but smile slightly.  
“Yes, Clarke?” she asked plainly, as if she didn’t already know.  
Clarke forced her eyes back up to Lexa’s eyes, clenching her teeth. “You threw away ALL the coffee!”  
Lexa leaned against her doorframe and folded her arms. “You woke me up,” she stated.  
Clarke folded her arms too, the anger building up inside her. Lexa kind of thought it was cute.  
“I have to go to work, Lexa!”  
“You can just get coffee there, Clarke. I like it there better anyway.”  
Clarke stepped forward, and Lexa hadn’t been expecting it. She backed into the doorframe, bumping her head. Clarke was toe to toe with her, she could feel her breath. They stared at each other for a moment, and Lexa allowed herself to look at Clarke’s lips. As soon as she did, she regretted it because Clarke smirked smugly and stepped back, as if she had won something.  
“You chose this, Clarke,” Lexa said, trying to steady her breath. “Maybe you should pick your battles.”  
This only made Clarke even more angry and she backed away, turning on her heels.  
Lexa felt something twist in her stomach then. She felt sorry for making Clarke so angry, even though on some level she enjoyed it. But deep down, she didn’t want to hurt Clarke. Not anymore.  
Get a hold of yourself, Lexa, she told herself as she closed her door. 

***  
It was Friday and Clarke had gotten off of work just an hour ago. She was now showered and sitting in her kitchen holding her phone, texting her friends that she was throwing a party. She knew Lexa would be coming home in no mood for a rambunctious party. It was perfect.  
Clarke hadn’t had many good ideas since the coffee, but that had backfired on her. And she was mad at Lexa. Even thought Lexa had only be retaliating to Clarke’s actions.  
But she was mad nonetheless because Lexa made it so hard for Clarke to be mad at her. When they had had their fight, Clarke wasn’t even upset at Lexa. She had just wanted her coffee. And to not be distracted by Lexa’s sweaty body standing in her doorway.  
That was what she was mad about. That she was attracted to Lexa.  
So an hour later, when her party was booming in the apartment with loud music and tons of people talking and dancing, Lexa came in. Clarke stopped talking with Jasper and Monty and looked over to see her reaction.  
Lexa looked stoic as usual, showing only the slightest bit of annoyance before her plain expression reappeared. But Clarke noticed that she looked… tired. Lexa had never really looked tired before, just exhausted. Now, though, her eyes appeared almost defeated.  
Clarke watched Lexa just make her way to her room and slam the door behind her. She tried to forget the look in her eyes and returned her attention to the party, hoping this had been a success.  
She went back to dancing with Jasper and Monty. A few minutes later, she spotted Raven and Bellamy dancing and laughing together. That was a… different sight.  
Clarke went over and pulled Bellamy aside when Raven went to go get a drink.  
“Is there something going on between you two?” she asked.  
Bellamy looked down at her. “I was afraid how you would react,” he admitted.  
Her mouth dropped into a smile and she slapped his arm. “Why would I care? This is amazing!” she shouted. “I’m so happy for you guys!” And she truly was. Two of her best friends were together.  
Then Raven came over with two drinks. “Did he just tell you?” she assumed.  
Clarke nodded with a smile. “Why didn’t you tell me, Reyes?”  
Raven shrugged. “I didn’t know we were dating until like yesterday, so it wasn’t that big a deal.”  
They were all smiling when Raven pointed behind her. “Look, it’s She Devil emerging from her cave.”  
Clarke turned and saw Lexa going into the bathroom. She looked back at her friends. “I’ll be right back.”  
She walked over into the hall, a giddy smile on her face. This had been a win, for sure. When the bathroom door opened, she was expecting a surrender. “Is this what winning feels like?” Clarke asked Lexa, not noticing her red-rimmed eyes and guarded look.  
“Clarke, I’m really not in the mood.” Lexa’s eyes wouldn’t meet hers.  
Then Clarke realized she had made a mistake. She took in Lexa’s look, seeing her hunched shoulders, her hung head where it usually held high.  
“Hey,” she said, her voice softening, “what’s up?”  
“It’s nothing,” Lexa snapped, trying to shove passed her. When Clarke wouldn’t let her, she muttered, “Why would you care anyway?”  
“I’m sorry, this was too far,” Clarke admitted. “I’ll make everyone leave, okay?”  
Lexa laughed with no humor and finally met Clarke’s eyes. They were haunted. “It’s not the party, Clarke.”  
Clarke was too distracted by the look in Lexa’s eyes, so the brunette pushed passed her and disappeared into her room. She had never seen Lexa so… broken before. So vulnerable and raw. But it wasn’t even Lexa stripped down that had struck Clarke. It had been the look in her eyes that was all too familiar to her.  
So Clarke went into the living room and found her friends. Octavia and Lincoln were in the kitchen with Raven and Bellamy, all talking.  
“How’d it go?” Raven asked, sipping her beer.  
Clarke shook her head, trying to speak passed the lump in her throat. “Not good. I think there is something seriously wrong.”  
Lincoln put his hand on Octavia’s back. “We’ll tell everyone to leave,” he said softly. Octavia nodded next to him and Clarke threw them a grateful smile. 

***  
Lexa was in her room, not working. She was in black pants and a loose black T-shirt, sitting in her bed. She had pushed her laptop away, unable to look at that screen anymore.  
Not after she had faced Clarke. She knew the girl had seen her eyes, her tears. Her pain. And she hated herself for it. For showing weakness.  
Now the apartment was silent and she knew Clarke had told them to leave. That she was grateful for. But then she heard footsteps and she knew her roommate was going to knock on her door and talk to her.  
So Lexa stood up, wiped her face, and brushed her fingers through her braided hair. The knock came and she answered, taking a deep breath.  
“Can I come in?” Clarke asked, her voice small.  
Lexa just nodded then went to sit on the edge of her bed. Clarke sat next to her, looking slightly uncomfortable but mostly really guilty.  
“Listen, I’m super sorry about tonight. I feel… utterly terrible. This whole thing kind of went on too long and it was really childish and I just want it to stop.” She let out a breath and looked over at Lexa for her reaction.  
Lexa pressed her lips together, urging her voice not to crack. “Tonight wasn’t about you winning Clarke, and I’m not admitting that you were. No, it’s not about that.”  
“Then what is it?” Clarke was looking into Lexa’s eyes and she couldn’t pull hers away from the blue ones before her.  
Taking a deep breath, Lexa decided she should tell Clarke the truth. What was her other option?  
“Today is the anniversary of my ex-girlfriend’s death.” What a weird sentence.  
Clarke’s face shifted first from surprise then to pity, then to understanding. “Oh,” she breathed out.  
“So I knew today was already going to be terrible…”  
“But me throwing a party really didn’t help.”  
Lexa shook her head. Clarke placed her hand over hers softly. Lexa looked down at it strangely.  
“I’m so sorry,” Clarke whispered.  
“It’s fine, it has been a few years. Her name was Costia. But it is just hard for other people to understand.”  
Clarke tucked her feet under her and shifted to face Lexa better, still holding her hand tenderly. She paused a moment before speaking. Her voice came out quiet. “I understand, more than you know.”  
Lexa frowned down at her, wondering what she meant.  
Clarke was looking at their hands as she continued. “My best friend, Wells, he died when I was seventeen. It was a mugging on the street.”  
Lexa remained silent. She didn’t know what to say or do so she did nothing except squeeze Clarke’s hand back. They both found comfort in the silence, in the fact that they both had felt the same type of pain. Lexa wished Clarke hadn’t connected with her in this way because she wouldn’t wish the pain of losing someone on anybody.  
Clarke was crying when she continued. “We were friends since we were little. With Bellamy and Octavia. But we had been neighbors and we,” she paused to wipe a tear away, “we always were together.” Lexa could tell she was trying to stop her voice from shaking.  
Lexa had the urge then to pull Clarke into her arms, to comfort her further. But this wasn’t the time for that. So instead, she just squeezes Clarke’s hand back.  
Clarke looked up at her through stinging eyes. Lexa said, “Maybe we have more in common than we had previously thought.”  
The other girl laughed through her tears. “That’s kind of messed up, Lexa.”  
Lexa didn’t say anything, she just looked back at Clarke.  
After a moment of silence, Clarke put on a more cheerful look. “Do you want to go watch a movie? It might help you forget about the day?”  
As Lexa slowly nodded, her stomach filled with… something. She didn’t know, but she hadn’t felt that feeling in so long. Clarke pulled her by the hand into the living room and they sat on the couch together, legs brushing and hands still intertwined.  
“What do you want to watch?” the blonde asked.  
Lexa shrugged. In that moment, she honestly didn’t care. It just felt good being close to someone again.  
Clarke threw Lexa a glance and caught her looking her over. “Okay, then no complaining with what I pick out.”  
A small smile crept up Lexa’s mouth, and she tried to conceal it. She was already giving away too much to this girl. But she kept smiling anyway as Clarke picked out an old movie on Netflix.  
Then Clarke was scooting closer to Lexa, tucking her feet under Lexa’s legs and resting her head on her shoulder. Lexa remained perfectly still, afraid that any movement would scare Clarke off.  
“Sorry,” Clarke said, “ask anyone and they’ll tell you I’m a cuddler.”  
Lexa smiled again, thankful Clarke wouldn’t be able to see. They sat in the silence as the movie began. Lexa wasn’t really watching, though, she was watching Clarke.  
The blonde had nice legs, which were in contact with Lexa’s, a fact she was trying to ignore. And her hand was still holding her own. Lexa looked down at them, the two hands interlaced, a mix of fingers. Clarke’s were soft and slim, good for an artist, Lexa supposed. And they were warm, comfortingly so. Lexa’s heart squeezed in her chest and she tried to ignore it.  
“You didn’t win, you know,” Lexa said after a while.  
Clarke looked up at Lexa, her eyes resting on her lips for a moment before meeting her eyes. “I would argue with that.” She had a smug smile on her face.  
Lexa shook her head. “And you know I would argue with you until I won. I am a lawyer, you know. I argue for a living.”  
Clarke just laughed. It was musical. “Let’s call it a tie then,” she said, looking back at the television screen.  
A minute later, Lexa whispered, “I still would have won.”  
“You haven’t known me long enough to know that I love to win,” Clarke shot back. “Once, Bellamy thought he could out prank me. He gave up within a week because I had tormented him so badly.” Clarke chuckled to herself. “He had even asked Octavia and Wells for help.”  
Lexa was staring at their hands again because Clarke was running her thumb in circles over Lexa’s knuckles. “I wish I had a best friend like them,” she whispered.  
Lexa realized she was being foolish, for saying so much and giving so much away. But she was tired, it had been a long day and an even longer past few years. And she was just so tired.  
Clarke looked back up at Lexa, her eyes soft again. “You will, I promise.”  
Her eyes never left Clarke’s as she admitted, “You helped turn around a really bad day. Thank you.”  
The blonde shifted her body and leaned against Lexa more, resting her head on her shoulder once more. “It was my pleasure, Lexa.”  
Once the movie was finished, both Lexa and Clarke had fallen fast asleep on one another. 

***  
Clarke’s eyes fluttered open. Holy. Shit. They had fallen asleep on each other. And stayed like that, all night.  
Lexa’s head had fallen on top of Clarke’s during the night. Their hands were still twisted together and their legs had somehow become more entangled. Clarke’s neck ached from the angle it had slept in, but she didn’t move yet. She was content just sitting there for a while.  
Lexa’s chest was rising and falling and Clarke could hear her heartbeat. In every romance novel she had ever read, it always described the importance of listening to the other’s heartbeat. Everyone had described the feeling differently, but it always came down to how precious it was, how soft it was, and how it matched the rhythm of the other’s heart or whatever.  
Clarke thought of that now, as she listened to Lexa’s. She didn’t feel what had been described in those novels, though. She felt something entirely different. Complete and utter fear. Fear that she was caring for someone again. Fear that she would be left alone again, just like everyone else had.  
She untangled herself from Lexa, then, breaking out of her reverie to make coffee and try to forget that fear and what it meant.  
The coffee was being made when Lexa woke. She stretched her arms and yawned as she sat up and looked over to Clarke.  
“Did I fall asleep here?” she wondered.  
Clarke lied and said, “Yeah, I didn’t want to wake you up after the movie had ended.”  
She noted how cute Lexa’s hair looked in its natural state of curls. It was unbraided and wild, and Clarke wished she wore it like that more often.  
Lexa nodded and came over to the kitchen. “Well, I’m going to take a shower.” As she headed towards the hallway, she threw a sly look back at Clarke. “For the safety of me and this entire building, please don’t cook us breakfast.”  
Clarke laughed. “Haha, very funny.”  
Lexa laughed with her and disappeared in the bathroom, leaving Clarke wanting to make her smile more.  
While waiting for the coffee to brew, Clarke went to get dressed. She decided on not showering because she didn’t feel like it. But she put on faded jeans and a blue top, brushed her hair and put on a dab of make up. It took all of five minutes which is how Clarke liked it.  
When she was heading back to the kitchen, she saw that Lexa’s bedroom door was cracked open and Lexa was changing. Her bare back was facing Clarke and Clarke remained there a moment to stare with hungry eyes.  
Then, her face flushing red, she ducked her eyes and ran to the kitchen before Lexa saw her.  
Lexa came out a few minutes later while Clarke was sipping her coffee. She was dressed in black jeans and a green sweater that hung loosely over her hips. Clarke tried not to imagine what laid under the sweater, and pushed the memory of Lexa’s back out of her mind.  
“Um,” Clarke began, trying to sound normal, “here’s your coffee.” She handed her the mug and Lexa took it.  
With a smirk, Lexa asked, “When did you buy more?”  
Clarke shook her head, smiling. “So what are you doing today?”  
Setting her cup on the counter, Lexa shrugged. “Well, I completed most of my work yesterday, trying to get my mind off things. So, I actually don’t know. I’m not used to free time.”  
Jumping at the opportunity to spend more time with Lexa, Clarke suggested they go to the Smithsonian. “You haven’t finished seeing the city, yet,” Clarke pointed out when Lexa wasn’t sure.  
“Okay, let’s go,” Lexa finally said, a new light in her eyes.  
They took a cab down to the museum. The whole way Clarke was thinking about how she wanted to learn more about Lexa, who had always been so guarded but now seemed to finally be opening up to her.  
When they walked into the cold, air conditioned building, their hands brushed together. Clarke could have sworn she felt heat pass between them. They bought tickets and made their way inside.  
Clarke said they had to go to the air and space museum first, because who doesn’t like space. Although, Clarke had been in there many times and was no longer all that excited about its contents.  
But Lexa seemed to be fascinated by it all. She looked at everything with awe, curious for the secrets that space held. Clarke kept herself entertained by this, observing the other girl’s reaction to each new thing.  
Lexa read every single plaque and board of information in the building. Clarke usually was bothered when people did this, as her mom had always done it and it had taken them twice as long to get through. But when Lexa did it, Clarke occupied herself by watching her. The way her eyes lit up, the way she would turn back to Clarke with the expression ‘Are you seeing this? Aren’t you as amazed by this as I am?’  
Clarke just smiled back as a response.  
Once they had made it through, it was well passed lunch time, and they were both starving. So they stopped at a restaurant by the Smithsonian.  
“I take it you enjoyed that,” Clarke said after their food had arrived.  
Lexa nodded enthusiastically. “Very much. Although, you didn’t seem that interested.”  
Clarke shrugged. “I’ve been in there many times.”  
“Oh,” Lexa looked down. “If you were bored we could have gone somewhere else.”  
“Trust me,” Clarke said, locking eyes with her, “I wasn’t bored.”  
“Good,” Lexa said in reply.  
Clarke watched Lexa’s eyes shift outside, watching the passing traffic. She looked sad, no matter how the day’s events had gone.  
“Are you okay?” Clarke asked automatically.  
Lexa just nodded. “I’m fine.” She turned her attention back to Clarke. “But thank you once again, for taking my mind off of things.” A hint of a smile appeared at the edges of Lexa’s lips.  
Clarke wished it would turn into a full smile. But she only shrugged and said, “That’s what friends are for.”  
“We’re friends?” Lexa looked both equally surprised and amused.  
“Well, now that our apartment is no longer a battleground, I guess we are.”  
At that, Lexa’s lips spread into almost, almost a full smile and Clarke couldn’t help but return it with delight. 

***  
They were back at the apartment now and Lexa watched as Clarke was texting her friends. She assumed their day together was over and that Clarke would want to be with her friends tonight, so she retired to her room. Deep down she was disappointed her day with Clarke was over.  
In her room, she was checking her emails from work when Clarke knocked. Surprised, Lexa told her to come in.  
“Hey, do you want to go to a club with my friends and I tonight?”  
Lexa’s stomach twisted into a knot. Of course, she wanted to spend more time with Clarke but her friends were… a different story. She didn’t like large groups of people. And she guessed that Clarke could see it through the expression on her face.  
The blonde came over to Lexa. “Please?” she asked, pouting her lip. Lexa swore she was doing the puppy eyes thing too.  
“I don’t know Clarke…”  
“If you don’t come, it will be me with Raven, Bellamy, Octavia, and Lincoln. And I don’t feel like fifth-wheeling it again.” Clarke folded her hands together, fake begging. “Please?”  
Lexa rolled her eyes. She was going to regret this. “Fine.”  
Clarke’s eyes lit up. “Really? Yes!”  
She hugged Lexa tightly then left the room and Lexa watched her go, her stomach twisting again. This girl had her wrapped around her finger.  
Pull yourself together, she told herself as she got ready.  
Lexa came out later, ready to go to the club. She was wearing black pants with a black tank top and a matching leather jacket. Her black combat boots went well with the outfit and she had done winged eyeliner because she might as well add more black. Her hair was down in an intricate braid, just the way she liked it.  
But it was no match to Clarke, who was wearing a tight black dress, though it was casual but extremely short. High heels went with it and Clarke’s hair seemed to be curled more than usual.  
Shit, Lexa thought to herself. How was she supposed to keep it together now?  
“You look,” Lexa began, pausing because her voice was shaky, “really nice.”  
Nice, Lexa, really?  
Clarke nodded. “Thank you.” Her eyes ran up and down Lexa and she tried not to blush. “You look really good too.”  
They took a cab to meet her friends at a club called Tondc, a play on Washington D.C.  
But there was a line wrapped around the corner and Clarke’s friends groaned. Lexa, though, recognized the bumper and rushed up there, Clarke and her friends following.  
“Gustus,” Lexa addressed the tall, brute man with his arms folded and an intimidating stare locked on his face. But it relaxed when he saw Lexa.  
“Lexa!” he greeted. “It is nice to see you.”  
“Yeah, it’s been a while,” Lexa said.  
Gustus’s eyes looked passed her and saw Clarke and the others. “Are these your friends?” Lexa nodded. “Well, go right in,” Gustus said as he lifted the red rope, allowing them entrance to the club.  
“You are too kind, Gustus,” Lexa said as they passed him.  
Once they were inside, Clarke turned to her, her eyebrows raised in question.  
Lexa only shrugged. “He was a client of mine.”  
Behind them, Octavia said, “Clarke, you can keep her!”  
Clarke turned, laughing, missing Lexa blush behind her.  
All of them went over to a table, ordering a round of shots to start off the night. Clarke downed two first, her expression not wavering the whole time.  
Lexa’s eyes widened in surprise as she drank her first one. It burned her throat but felt good.  
“Party animal Clarke Griffin has arrived!” Raven shouted, slapping her friend on the back. “This girl can outdrink anyone.”  
Clarke was smiling proudly, and looked over at Lexa. Lexa raised her eyebrows, a challenge. “I bet I could outdrink you.”  
It was stupid to say, Lexa knew. Because she had never been a heavy drinker and stuck mostly to wine these days. But she wanted to beat Clarke in something.  
“Careful there, Lexa,” Bellamy said with a knowing smile. “Our princess here can hold her liquor.”  
Clarke shrugged. “They aren’t wrong.”  
Lexa answered by taking another shot. “Try me.”  
“It’s on,” Clarke said, tilting her head back for a third shot.  
After a few more drinks, her friends moved out to the dance floor. Lincoln and Octavia were dancing to the beat with Raven and Bellamy. Clarke started to follow but threw a look back at Lexa, challenging her to come with her. Her eyes held something in them, and Lexa wanted to find out what it was.  
She stayed back for a moment, watching Clarke dance with her friends. She was amazing, Lexa realized. But she had always known Clarke was something else. And she began to wonder, when this crazy blonde girl had crept into her heart. 

***  
Clarke saw Lexa watching her from the bar. But she wanted her out here now. So she went back over and grabbed the girl’s hand.  
“Come on, Lexa, loosen up!”  
Lexa began to shake her head but she pulled her out anyway and she gave way. They came over to where the rest of her friends were dancing and they all hopped around together. Lexa had a smile on her face and Clarke’s chest lit up with fire.  
It was crowded in the middle of the dance floor, and they were all pressed tightly together. At one point, Clarke saw Bellamy throw her a questioning look, motioning between her and Lexa. Clarke had just ignored it. Only a few minutes later, Octavia and Lincoln had run off to get more drinks and they had lost Bellamy and Raven to the crowd. It was just her and Lexa now. Which she had no problem with.  
Except for the fact that her heart was beating out of her chest.  
Lexa seemed to have noticed their loneliness now, besides the fact that they were surrounded by fifty other people. Who were now packing them closer together. Clarke was pressed up against the front of Lexa’s body, and their faces were inches apart.  
Clarke looked into Lexa’s eyes which were wide and sparkling. It was probably the alcohol that had made her do it, but Clarke just shrugged at Lexa, as if to say “What the hell,” and turned around, beginning to dance on Lexa.  
Their bodies were pressed up against one another and after a minute of Clarke dancing against Lexa, she felt the other girl press her hands on her hips, holding her closer. Clarke’s breath came fast as she felt adrenaline rush through her.  
Lexa’s touch seemed to set her skin on fire and she was almost afraid that Lexa would be able to feel it. To sense what Clarke was feeling. She wanted to see Lexa’s expression, so she turned back around and placed her hand on the back of the brunette’s neck, making sure she stayed close. She was sure no air was between their bodies.  
The expression on Lexa’s face was hard to pick apart. It was guarded, as Lexa usually was, but Clarke could see something through it. Their eyes met and Clarke let out a hot breath. She could feel Lexa’s on her lips and her eyes travelled down to them.  
Lexa was still holding Clarke’s hips, holding her against her. Her head was bent, looking down at Clarke. Their lips were almost touching and if Clarke just stood up on her toes, they would meet. She was about to when she heard her name being called.  
She broke the trance that both of them had been in and looked back to see Raven and Bellamy making their way through the crowd.  
After Clarke had looked away, Lexa seemed to regain her sense as well and let go of Clarke, taking a small step back. Clarke felt cold, bare without Lexa against her and she missed it. So she grabbed the girl’s hand in hers, telling herself it was so she wouldn’t lose her to the crowd, and made their way back to Bellamy and Raven.  
Many drinks later, Clarke and Lexa had taken a cab back to their apartment. Lexa was stumbling and Clarke had to admit, she herself was feeling a little tipsy. It took some effort for her to unlock their door.  
Lexa had to lean on Clarke so she wouldn’t fall. It went without saying that Clarke had won that night. Clarke began leading them down the hallway with the intention of putting Lexa to bed before she caused any real damage.  
But Lexa stumbled, catching herself on the wall, and Clarke stood in front of her to help her stand up straight. She was laughing at her drunken roommate, loving the sight of her so… open and carefree.  
They had been holding each other close, mostly before for support, but now Lexa had Clarke pulled up close to her, so that their foreheads were almost touching. Clarke was affected by the alcohol, but she could still think pretty clearly. Although her only thoughts were oh my God Lexa is touching me.  
Their laughter died down and Lexa leaned in closer, pulling at Clarke’s hands. She whispered, “I know we fell asleep together, Clarke. And you’re a really good artist.” A pause. “And you’re really pretty.” The last sentence came out in less than a whisper, almost like a wisp of air and Clarke wasn’t sure if she had heard correctly.  
So she just giggled and replied with, “You’re drunk, Lexa.”  
But Lexa shook her head. “I’m not that drunk.”  
Clarke pulled away then, and looked at Lexa’s glassy eyes. She wasn’t sure if the other girl would remember this in the morning, and in that moment she hoped that she did. Clarke put her hand on Lexa’s jaw, then slowly pulled her down for a kiss.  
Lexa’s lips were soft and Clarke breathed into the kiss, wanting more. But after a moment Lexa pulled away, though she remained close to Clarke, their foreheads now bent together.  
“I’m damaged goods, Clarke,” she muttered and it almost broke Clarke’s heart, the way she had said it.  
Shaking her head and still holding onto Lexa’s jaw, her thumb rubbing circles on the girl’s cheek, she whispered back, “I’m no better.”  
Forgetting consequences, Clarke pulled Lexa back to her lips. Lexa’s hands were on Clarke’s waist then, her grip loose and lazy. Lexa let out a quiet moan from the back of her throat, and it physically hurt Clarke to pull away.  
If it was under different circumstances, she would have gladly stayed and kissed Lexa all night. But they were both drunk and she didn’t want anything else to happen. Not while they were like this.  
Lexa seemed to understand. She let Clarke lead her to her bed and tuck her in. Clarke literally tucked her in, by taking off Lexa’s shoes to throwing her blanket over her.  
“Goodnight Lexa,” she whispered.  
As she was at Lexa’s door, Lexa called back, “Clarke.” She turned around. “I hope I don’t forget this in the morning.” And then she passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> check out my tumblr for more clexa feels: commanders-lexas.tumblr.com


	3. Part 3

Lexa’s head was pounding the next morning when she woke. She rolled over in her bed, afraid to open her eyes. What had she done last night? Then all the memories came flooding back and she sat up swiftly, which only made her head hurt even more. Oh no. No no no no that could not be right.

She put her head in her hands, wishing she had never gone out with Clarke last night. Stupid, she screamed at herself. You are so stupid. Her actions last night did not mirror the actions of a girl who wanted to be left alone. It had always been better, alone. Not always easy, almost never easy, but it was better for everyone. 

Her body hurt to move, and she kept her eyes closed because the light was going to fry her brain if she opened them, she just knew it. But it was nothing compared to the pain in her chest. 

Lexa was afraid to face Clarke. She didn’t want to get out of bed, for fear of the other girl knowing that she was awake and avoiding her. And of course Clarke was up, she was always up in the morning. 

She couldn’t help the twist in her stomach, the yearn to see the other girl. To see what she thought of her after last night. Oh, this was a disaster. 

There were two options, Lexa had decided. One, Clarke regretted last night and it had only been the alcohol and had meant nothing more. That, Lexa could deal with. She could handle that. The second option was that last night, Clarke had felt something in the kiss, just as Lexa had. And that she felt for Lexa the same way Lexa herself was feeling for her. Even though she was trying to deny it and bury it as deep as she could within herself. 

The second option was not something Lexa could deal with.

For fucks sake, Lexa, pull yourself together, she told herself. You can do this. You have built these walls for so many years, you can keep them up until Clarke gives up. 

So she rolled out of bed, braided her hair (an action that had become a calming device over the years) and left her room.

Clarke was in the kitchen, and the familiar smell of coffee filled the rest of the apartment. Lexa took a deep breath before coming forward. She heard Clarke humming to herself as she stirred two coffee cups. The blonde heard Lexa walk in. 

Turning, she smiled brightly at Lexa. “Good morning.” She handed her a mug of coffee.

How was she so chipper after drinking so much last night? Lexa thought bitterly.

But she couldn’t help the flutter of her heart in her chest at the sight of Clarke’s smile. And the fact that she had made Lexa’s coffee just the way she liked it. “Thank you,” Lexa muttered as she took the mug, careful not to brush Clarke’s fingers. 

She went to the table and sipped her coffee, Clarke joined her with her own mug. After a moment of silence, Lexa lifted her eyes to Clarke’s. 

“I’m sorry, about last night. I was… foolish and it won’t happen again.” It hurt her to say the words, but it was for the best. 

Clarke reached her hand over to Lexa’s, placing it on top. “I’m not. And it’s not just because I totally whipped your ass at drinking.” 

Lexa let out a smile at her remark. But it didn’t stay on her face long. “Seriously, Clarke.” The blonde dropped the smile from her face as well, now realizing what Lexa was trying to say. “I just, I don’t want anyone to get hurt. We both have had so much pain in the past.” Lexa’s voice was quiet, and wavered after the last word. She cursed herself for showing weakness. 

Clarke got up from her chair and came over to kneel in front of Lexa, taking both of her hands in her own. “Lexa,” she said intensely, “I’m. Not. Sorry. About. What. Happened. I’m not taking last night back. We can work through this, okay? Because I know you felt something last night, now matter how you try to deny it.” 

Lexa shifted in her chair, looking down at Clarke. How could she look at this girl and say no? 

“Clarke, I can’t do that.” Her eyes wouldn’t meet Clarke’s. “I’m sorry.” 

Clarke squeezed her hands tenderly. “Lexa, don’t we deserve to be happy? After all that we have both been through?” 

Lexa now met the other girl’s blue eyes. Her heart melted at the sight of how… understanding they were. And how soft they were. “Maybe we do.” The words had slipped out of her mouth effortlessly, and Lexa knew that’s what she wanted. To be happy. With Clarke. 

Clarke’s lips twitched into a smile. She stood up and pulled Lexa up into a kiss. It was soft and comforting and Lexa almost felt like crying. So she pulled away. 

“Clarke,” she whispered, her voice raspy. 

But Clarke was hearing none of it. “Stop being a stubborn ass,” she breathed back, almost against Lexa’s lips. 

Lexa smiled and pulled Clarke back in, this time cupping her cheek tenderly. It had been so long since she had been held and treated with such care, and she returned it to Clarke. When Lexa pushed harder, wanting to deepen the kiss, Clarke was the one to pull away. For a moment, Lexa feared she had pushed too far and that Clarke was uncomfortable. 

But Clarke said, “I’m going to be late for work if you kiss me like that.”

Lexa smiled and nodded. “I suppose you’re right.” 

After Clarke left, Lexa tried working. But her mind was restless. It kept running in circles. Throw it all in and be with Clarke. No, you need to be smart and stop this before it crashes and burns. Lexa was so scared of being left again, of having to go through that empty feeling of no control and loneliness. It had swallowed her so badly when Costia had left that she almost lost it. And all that work, to regain herself and her control, Lexa didn’t want to throw that all away again. She wasn’t sure if she would be able to pick herself up for the second time. 

The other side, though, was hurting Clarke. And that was the last thing Lexa wanted to do. Even the thought of devastating Clarke in the way that Lexa had once been, scared her the most. She didn’t want to break Clarke Griffin’s heart. 

***

Clarke told Raven about what had happened last night.

“Finally,” her friend said after she had finished.

They were both on break and were eating at a small table in the coffee shop. 

“What?” Clarke asked, confused.

Raven rolled her eyes. “For fuck’s sake, the way you two were last night? O and I had bets going about how long it would take you to get together.” 

Clarke laughed. “Well, I wouldn’t say we’re together. We just kissed.” She shook her head, worry washing over her. “Raven, I don’t know what to do.”

Seeing that her friend was being serious, Raven lost the smirk. “Why? What’s the problem?”

“Lexa has been hurt a lot in the past. She’s afraid. That’s why she’s so closed off, because she thinks she can’t let anyone get close. And I don’t want to push her into something that she isn’t ready for.”

Raven leaned forward, locking eyes with Clarke. “Listen, Griffin, you have been through a lot of crap too. So I think it’s time for you to be happy and stop feeling like shit about Finn. That guy really messed with you, I remember, okay. And I think that Lexa, she understands what you’ve been through, and that’s part of why you two work so well together. I’ve haven’t seen you as happy as last night in so long.” 

Clarke couldn’t help but smile at her best friend. “You really think so?” 

Raven leaned back, folding her arms. “Yes. Go get her.” 

Clarke came home that night after work to find Lexa in the living room watching a movie. This was surprise. Lexa was almost always in her room.

“What’s up?” Clarke asked, coming over. 

Lexa smiled as Clarke stood beside the couch. “Nothing, just taking a break from work.” 

“Mind if I join?” 

Shaking her head, Lexa scooted over so there was room for Clarke. Clarke sat next to her then settled in, cuddling into Lexa. She draped her legs over the brunette’s and rested her head on her shoulder, just like the other night. But this time Lexa wrapped her arm around Clarke and pulled her closer, which caused Clarke to smile to herself. 

As they watched the movie, which turned out to be some documentary Lexa had picked out on Netflix, Clarke couldn’t help her wandering eyes. They kept going up to Lexa, to her eyes, to her lips. She was so beautiful, and Clarke’s chest combusted with every glance. 

***  
Lexa could see Clarke’s glances out of the corner of her eye, but she kept her eyes locked on the movie. She wanted nothing more than to pull Clarke into another kiss, but she was afraid of moving too fast. She still wanted to test this out, to keep her feet on the ground instead of toppling over head first. 

She was still denying to herself that she hadn’t already fallen. 

So she just held Clarke, reveling in the feeling of the other’s girl body against her own. It felt nice and whole. Something Lexa never thought she would feel with another person again. 

When the movie was almost over, Clarke began to shift, and her hand brushed Lexa’s bare skin on the side of her hip where her shirt had moved up a little. Lexa shivered and tried to hold still. 

Clarke had noticed. A smile crept up her lips. “What was that?” 

“Nothing,” Lexa responded too quickly, failing at keeping her voice even.

Clarke sat up, disentangling herself from Lexa. “Are you ticklish?” Her voice was full of mischief. 

Lexa glared at Clarke. “Absolutely not.” 

But Clarke’s hands were already creeping towards Lexa’s side again. Lexa tried to squirm away except Clarke’s fingers were already there, tickling her bare skin. Lexa rolled away, but Clarke pursued and now had her hands on both sides. 

“Clarke,” Lexa gasped out but started laughing. Her stomach clenched tight as she tired to escape, this time falling on the floor. 

This only allowed Clarke easier access as she knelt over Lexa, tickling the sides of her stomach even harder. “I can’t believe you’re ticklish,” she exclaimed, laughing with Lexa. 

If Lexa wasn’t under attack from Clarke, she would have been freaking out that Clarke was actually touching her underneath her shirt. But she was just trying to focus on stopping Clarke. 

So she grabbed the blonde’s wrists and rolled over, straddling her hips and pinning her arms over her head so that she could cause no more damage. 

“Ha!” Lexa laughed in victory. 

Clarke couldn’t control her giggles but once Lexa had her pinned, she was suddenly serious. Her eyes were looking up at Lexa. And Lexa realized their compromising position then. Clarke’s body was beneath hers, still and not squirming anymore, and Lexa’s grip around her wrists were tight. 

Oh, she thought. Immediately, she released Clarke and crawled off of her. 

Clarke sat up, leaning back on her arms, breathless just as Lexa was. They stared at each other for a moment of silence before Lexa blurted, “We should probably get to bed. I mean, for work tomorrow.” 

That didn’t sound awkward, she told herself, rolling her eyes as she stood up. 

Clarke let out a small laugh and just nodded before heading off to her room.

Lexa stood there for a moment, wishing she hadn’t suggested that. She wanted to stay with Clarke, stay up all night, screw being tired at work tomorrow. She just hadn’t gotten enough of Clarke today. 

Pushing those thoughts down, she went to her room and got ready for bed.

While Lexa laid in her bed, trying to sleep but not succeeding, she heard a knock on her door. 

“Come in,” she called. 

“Hey,” Clarke whispered, hovering by her door in her usual pajamas. “Can I… stay with you?” 

A shiver run through Lexa’s body. “Of course, Clarke,” she whispered back, trying to maintain a steady heartbeat. 

She was full of fear and warmth, of love and excitement, as Clarke climbed in next to her. Lexa rolled on her side to look at the other girl.

“Sorry,” Clarke began, “I couldn’t really sleep.” 

“Neither could I,” Lexa admitted. 

“Can you hold me?” Clarke asked suddenly. But there had been a shift in her voice. It sounded more vulnerable now. 

Lexa didn’t hesitate before drawing her into her arms. She pressed her mouth against Clarke’s hair and breathed in. It smelled like strawberries. Then she noticed Clarke was shivering, but it wasn’t from the cold. 

“Clarke, what’s wrong?” 

A pause. Lexa was almost afraid she wouldn’t answer. Then she said, “I never really talk about my parents.”

Lexa wondered why Clarke was sharing this with her now, but she listened anyway. 

“I told you my dad died when I was fifteen. And that I didn’t talk to my mom much anymore.” 

“Yes,” Lexa recalled the conversation.

“When my dad died, I was devastated. He had always understood me better than my mom. It was like my world had shattered.” Her voice was shaking like her body now. “And my mom, she kind of shut me out. But she kept pushing me in school. Wanted me to be a doctor. I just wanted to make her happy again; we had both been sad for so long. After Wells died, I broke down and said I would go to medical school. But I dropped out after a year, I couldn’t take it anymore.” Clarke paused again.

“You don’t have to tell me this, Clarke,” Lexa said softly. 

“No, I want to. I want you to know me.” She took a deep breath before starting again. “My mom said she wouldn’t pay for me to go to art school, so I had to work and take out loans and attend a less prestigious school than I could have. But I got my art degree. And met Raven there. Then I moved back here just a few months ago.”

A minute of silence passed and Lexa almost thought Clarke had fallen asleep. 

Then she said, “I haven’t spoken with my mom in a year.” She was crying. 

Every bone in Lexa’s body wanted to pull Clarke in, to somehow make her forget her pain. But she only whispered, “Maybe it’s time for you to forgive each other.” She was being a hypocrite, she would never do the same for her mother. 

Clarke turned over, to look into Lexa’s eyes. Lexa left her arm draped over Clarke’s side, and her thumb moved in a circle across her back. 

“I haven’t talked about them in a long time. Thank you for listening.” 

Lexa nodded. “Always.” 

Clarke closed her eyes and moved a hand onto Lexa’s jaw, her fingers rubbing her skin. Lexa knew Clarke didn’t expect her to tell her story, but it was only fair. So she gathered up as much courage in her as she could and began to speak. 

“My parents divorced when I was seven.” Clarke’s eyes opened at the sound of Lexa’s voice. But Lexa looked down at the patterned sheets. “My mother left us for another man. I chose to live with my father and well, I never forgave my mother. She gave up on contacting me after a few years of silence.” Lexa forced her voice to remain even. “I kind of gave up on love after that.” 

She swallowed past the lump in her throat. Her eyes were burning. Ever since Costia she had promised herself she would never be this close with someone again. But Clarke was here, in her bed, and it didn’t feel wrong. It felt right in every way. And so Lexa let go. 

“Then came Costia.” This was the hard part. Clarke trailed her hand down to Lexa’s neck, which only slightly relaxed her. “We met when we were both seventeen. She fascinated me. And we fell in love the summer before college. When I went away to Yale, across the country, she stayed back and didn’t go to school. I always kind of hoped that she would come with me. But I understood.” Lexa’s voice faltered and she clenched her teeth. 

“Lexa, I don’t expect you to tell me anything you don’t want to,” Clarke said. 

She shook her head, squeezing her eyes. “This is why I’m scared, Clarke. I want you to know the whole story.” Her eyes opened, though she still avoided Clarke’s, and continued. “We made it work. We tried so hard. When I visited for winter break, I thought we could actually get through this. And when I returned to school for the second semester, I knew we would. But then a month later, she broke it off.” A tear rolled down Lexa’s cheek but she ignored it. “I was so heartbroken, and I couldn't fly back and try to persuade her because I had my studies. Then," her voice broke but she pushed through, “About a week later, I get a call that she was in an accident and she didn’t make it.” 

Lexa had to pause. The pain was rushing back, the pain that she had pushed away for so long. It took all her energy to bury it again so she could continue. “And I almost… I almost dropped out because I was so depressed. I didn’t know if I would ever get over the pain.” Lexa let out a breath as if something had been lifted from her chest by saying these words. “But I did." 

Clarke was silent for a while, her eyes thoughtful. Finally, she said, “That’s why you were so guarded. You didn’t want that to happen to you again, to give yourself to someone only to lose them.”

Lexa met her eyes this time as she nodded once. Clarke pressed her lips together and stared back with not pity as Lexa had expected, but with tenderness and empathy. She was grateful for that. 

Clarke reached over to her and pulled her closer, nuzzling her face into Lexa’s neck. Lexa let out a breath she hadn’t realized she had been holding. 

“Thank you,” she breathed into Clarke’s ear. 

Clarke just held her tighter. 

“Tell me about Finn,” Lexa said quietly, though everything seemed so loud in this darkness. 

Clarke let go of Lexa and laid back, but kept her hand on Lexa’s waist. “Finn.” Clarke only said his name. But then she went on further. “He was my first love. We dated for a year when I was nineteen and in medical school.” Her voice was nostalgic. “But he cheated on me.” She sighed and propped her head up on her hand. “And that was that.” 

Lexa could tell Clarke was over talking about him. Like she had been for the past three years. But she could also see that Clarke was still a little upset about it, at least. 

“I kind of just shut that part of my life out, to be honest,” she muttered. 

Her eyes were heavy, and Lexa suddenly felt a wave of exhaustion wash over her. They must have both felt it, because Clarke laid back down, resting her face against Lexa’s chest and tangling their legs together. The conversations of the night had taken a toll on them both and Lexa was glad it was over.

She was also glad she had been able to tell someone. Pressing a kiss to Clarke’s forehead, she drifted into a deep sleep. 

***  
Clarke’s eyes fluttered open and for a moment she forgot where she was. Then it all came back and she realized it was Lexa’s arms that were around her. She smiled to herself, not paying any attention to the headache from lack of coffee. She just wanted to lay there with Lexa for a few more minutes. 

Suddenly, an annoying ring went off and Lexa shifted behind Clarke. It was her alarm. Lexa let out a groan and Clarke smiled again, knowing how much Lexa hated mornings. 

“Five more minutes,” Lexa grumbled into Clarke’s hair. 

Clarke rolled over to face Lexa, who’s eyes were still closed. But she looked the most peaceful Clarke had ever seen her. “Lexa,” she whispered. “We have to go to work.”

“I don’t want to,” she replied, her voice groggy. Clarke hated to do it, but she started to get up. Then arms were wrapped around her and pulling her back down. Lexa snuggled her closer. “Five more minutes,” she pleaded. 

Clarke sighed. “Lexa, don’t make me tickle you again,” she threatened in a soft tone that wasn’t intimidating at all.

Lexa laughed. “Fine.” 

They got ready and Clarke made the coffee and they walked hand in hand down the street towards Clarke’s coffee shop. When they got there, they both looked at each other and Clarke wasn’t sure whether she should kiss Lexa goodbye or not. Lexa decided for her, planting a soft kiss on her lips before heading down the street, a smile on her face. 

Clarke was almost giddy when she clocked in. Raven took notice. 

“What’s with all the smiles?” she asked.

Clarke just shook her head, biting her lip and making coffee for a customer. “Nothing.”

“Don’t be coy with me, Griffin,” Raven scolded. “I saw you two lovebirds outside.” She came over closer and whispered, “Did you sleep with her yet?” 

Clarke’s eyes widened and she hit raven on the arm. “No, Raven! We just… talked last night and it was really nice.” 

Raven rolled her eyes. “Clarke, you haven’t dated anybody who could hold your attention in a conversation in over a year. They’ve all been hookups.” Raven eyed her friend closely. “Lexa really is different for you, isn’t she?”

Clarke nodded, her smile fading. “That’s why I really don’t want to mess this up.” 

Resting a hand on Clarke, Raven said, “Then don’t.” 

***  
After last night, Lexa knew she was screwed. She was head over heels for Clarke Griffin. And maybe that wasn’t so scary. Anyone else, and it might have been. But with Clarke, everything was so… simple. 

So when she got home from work that Monday night, she had decided to ask Clarke out on an actual date. She awaited the other girl nervously and fidgeted for an hour before Clarke finally walked through the door.

It took a muster of courage, but she got the words out. “Clarke, I was wondering if,” she stuttered over the last word and cursed herself, “if you would like to go on a date.” 

The smile on Clarke’s face sent a rush of fire through Lexa. “Are you being an awkward teenager right now?” Clarke came closer to her. “You totally are. And you’re asking me on a date.” She giggled.

“I’m glad I amuse you, Clarke,” Lexa said, but couldn’t help smile. 

Clarke grabbed Lexa’s hand. “Of course I’ll go on a date with you.” Lexa’s smile widened. “And after, we can go pick out prom dresses and rent a limo,” she said sarcastically. 

Lexa just rolled her eyes. 

They went to a fancy restaurant that she had asked a coworker about earlier that day. Lexa just wanted to treat Clarke to something nice. Clarke deserved it. 

“What do you want to do with your life, Clarke?" Lexa asked as they ate their dinner.

Clarke had ordered steak and after she finished chewing a bite, she answered. “What makes you think I don't want to work at the coffee shop forever?” she said sarcastically and for a moment Lexa wasn’t sure if she was joking. When that tricky smile appeared on Clarke’s face though, she laughed quietly. “No, I want to be an artist. I mean, I am. Just not professionally.”

Lexa watched the other girl carefully. “You’re good enough to do it, you know that right?” 

Clarke nodded. “It’s just hard, to get a gallery to display at or anyone who will give you the time of day.” 

She reached for Clarke's hand across the table. “I know you’ll do it, Clarke. One day.” 

Smiling back, Clarke returned the pressure to Lexa’s hand. “Did you ever want to be anything but a lawyer?” 

“Well, my father is a lawyer. He always pushed me to be one." 

“But what did you want to be?” 

Lexa shrugged. She had never given it much thought. Her father had put the idea of being a lawyer in her head and she had never really questioned it. “Sometimes I wish I would have explored other options but truthfully, I love my job. And it's just the beginning.” 

“Yeah,” Clarke nodded with a small smile, “I guess it is.” 

Lexa knew she wasn’t talking about their careers. 

After dinner, they decided to walk home. Clarke slipped her hand in Lexa’s and their shoulders bumped together as they walked down mostly empty streets. It was a weekday so most of the tourists were at their hotels and everyone else was in bed. 

When they turned on one street they could see the Washington monument, standing above everything else. 

“Thank you,” Lexa said, “for showing me around. D.C. really is amazing." 

Clarke only shrugged. “It was no problem. And you were just so… quiet. I had to find a way to talk to you.” 

Lexa glanced down at Clarke, and she was looking back. She let out a small smile. “I was afraid you wouldn’t stop talking." 

Clarke leaned in to her, mock shoving. “Shut up, you laughed at my jokes even though you pretended not to.” 

Lexa didn’t admit it, but it was true. From the very first moments Lexa had known Clarke, she had enchanted her. 

They reached their apartment and Lexa unlocked the door. She stepped in first, dropping Clarke's hand to put the keys down. When she turned around, Clarke was leaning against the shut door with a shy smile on her lips. Lexa almost frowned, Clarke was never shy.

“What?” Lexa asked. Clarke was eyeing her strangely.

“I’m not very tired.” 

Lexa swallowed past the lump in her throat that had just formed. The look in Clarke’s eyes were stirring things inside of her she hadn't felt in so long. And she wanted to run the other way. Because of the way these feelings somehow inevitably always brought pain. But Clarke, standing there, inviting her to explore the feelings, made it okay. Made it not so scary. She grounded Lexa.

So Lexa closed the distance between them slowly, the hooded expression in Clarke's eyes giving her satisfaction. Her hand cupped Clarke's cheek and she leaned in, brushing their lips together. Gently. 

Tonight it was different. It was like there was a different atmosphere. Maybe it was because Lexa was finally letting go of her pain, for once. 

Clarke sighed into Lexa’s mouth and Lexa pushed back harder, so that Clarke was backed against the apartment door. Her hand was still on Clarke’s jaw, and she felt Clarke's hands holding her waist. Lexa was about to open her mouth more when Clarke ducked her head, breaking the kiss. 

“I’m sorry,” Clarke muttered, out of breath, “I just really don’t want to mess this up.”

Lexa understood, deep down she felt the exact same way, but she reminded herself how good it felt to let go. “I’m usually the one to do that,” she told Clarke.

Clarke smiled and kissed Lexa back. “Maybe we will balance each other out, then," she said against Lexa’s lips and then kissed her again.

Suddenly the kiss was hard and fast, and Lexa was trying to take it slow, but Clarke wasn’t having any of that. Clarke was already slipping off both of their coats and pushing Lexa back towards the hall.

Lexa broke the kiss when she stubbed her toe on the corner of her bedroom door.

“Shit,” she let out and Clarke leaned against her and laughed. 

She scolded her for laughing by silencing her with another kiss.

"Which room?” Clarke whispered. 

“Well, we can both agree mine is cleaner.”

Clarke stepped back, still gripping Lexa’s sides. “Is now really the time to complain about what a terrible, messy roommate I am?” Lexa just shook her head. "That's what I thought.”

Clarke leaned back in and kissed Lexa hard. Lexa’s heart was racing and everywhere Clarke touched her was shivering with electricity. They made their way to the bed where Lexa leaned over Clarke, straddling her hips. 

She paused and looked into Clarke’s blue eyes, which were sparkling in the dark of the night. Lexa slowly left trails of kisses down her neck, dragging her teeth just to hear the sigh escape Clarke's mouth. But she was tender and slow, hoping that Clarke would realize how good this thing they have can be. 

She sat up to take off her shirt and Clarke sat up too to take hers off. They stilled for a moment and Lexa ran her hands down Clarke's bare chest and waist, committing every curve to memory. 

Unable to resits, she leaned down and kisses her collarbone and bare shoulder. Clarke let out another moan as Lexa’s soft kisses turned into bites. She trailed them back up Clarke’s neck to her jaw, then to her lips. 

“Lexa,” Clarke let out when she wouldn't close the small distance between their lips. 

Lexa reveled in the way Clarke wanted her. Then gave her what she wanted and kissed her again. Clarke took control, and Lexa gladly gave it to her. 

Clarke rolled over, now on top of Lexa. She was much quicker than Lexa was, her kisses fast but leaving burns on Lexa’s skin with each touch. 

Lexa became more undone with each stroke of Clarke’s hand. With each kiss pressed against her skin. With every noise Clarke drew from her, and every response Lexa got from touching Clarke. 

She was never one for poetry, but Lexa could only describe Clarke, in that moment, as a wave crashing over her and Lexa was happy to drown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come find me at commanders-lexas.tumblr.com for more Clexa


	4. Part 4

Clarke woke and this time she remembered where she was. In Lexa’s arms. Last night. Clarke knew she felt more than just feelings for Lexa. Last night had only confirmed that. For the both of them. And she was indescribably happy. So happy she didn’t even need coffee.

“Five more minutes,” Lexa muttered when her alarm finally went off. 

This time Clarke allowed it. But it turned to ten minutes, then fifteen. Clarke knew she needed to get up for work but leaving this bed, leaving Lexa’s arms, seemed like a sin right then. 

“Ugh,” Clarke groaned when the alarm went off for the fifth time. “Fine.” 

She rolled over to face Lexa, who’s green eyes were open and staring at Clarke. “Good morning,” Lexa grumbled but had a small smile appearing on her lips. 

“Hey,” Clarke grinned back, unable to contain her happiness. 

They eventually got out of bed with no time to shower and rush out the door to work. Clarke cursed, literally cursed, as she left Lexa to go into the coffee shop. It was the place to blame for ruining her utter bliss that morning. She had never felt that way before— wanting to sit in bed all morning with someone. Not even Finn.

Raven sensed immediately that something was up. 

“Shut the fuck up!” she had exclaimed once Clarke had told her.

Clarke could only smile in response. That seemed to be all she could do that whole morning. 

“Fucking finally,” Raven said. “So how was it?” 

Clarke laughed at her friend and didn’t reply. She went back to working. But all she could think about was how truly amazing last night was. She was so joyful she didn't even have time to worry about everything that could go wrong. 

When their shifts were over later that day, Raven and Clarke were talking in the break room.

“You know what would be a great idea?” Raven asked Clarke. “We could all go to Lincoln’s beach house together! We haven’t been up there in so long and all of us have dates now, so no one would feel left out.” 

Clarke was confused for a moment. “Umm, Jasper and Monty?” 

Rolling her eyes, Raven shrugged. “They’re best friends, so they’re practically dating anyway.” 

Clarke smiled. It was true, they hadn’t been to Lincoln’s beach house in so long, well at least, she hadn’t. The last time she had been up there was with Finn. “That actually sounds… really nice. Since you guys all love Lexa now.”

“Dude, she got us into that club and tried to outdrink you. She’s pretty cool.” 

“I have to agree,” Clarke said smugly. “I’ll ask her when I get home.” 

She only had to wait a few minutes before Lexa got home. Clarke was sitting in the living room roaming through Netflix when Lexa came back out, dressed in more comfortable clothes than her work ones. 

Lexa sat next to Clarke. “How was work?” 

Clarke looked at Lexa and snuggled next to her. “Terrible. How was yours?”

“Stressful,” Lexa exhaled. She began running circles over Clarke’s arm. 

“Want to do something this weekend?” Clarke’s voice was hopeful.

Lexa noticed and glanced down at her. “What did you have in mind?”

“Well, Lincoln has a beach house in Virginia, only about three hours away.” She saw Lexa’s eyes grow wary, so she pulled away and sat up. “Just hear me out. We could go stay there with Raven, Bellamy, Octavia, Jasper, and Monty. It would only be the weekend, so you would only have to put up with them for a few days.” 

Shifting uncomfortably, Lexa drew further away from Clarke. “I just, I’m not so sure about that. I’d have to get off for work and—“

“Which you clearly need a break from,” Clarke cut in. 

“And,” Lexa continued, “I don’t do well in crowds.”

Clarke shifted her legs under her and faced Lexa more directly. “You had fun when we went to that club.”  
“I was also extremely drunk.”

Clarke could see Lexa wasn’t budging. So she leaned forward and took Lexa’s hands. “What if I told you,” she paused to lean in a little closer, “we would have our own room.” She paused to kiss Lexa’s cheek softly. “And would get to go swimming in the ocean.” She kissed the bottom of her jaw now. “And I won’t challenge you to a drinking match again.” Clarke kissed the corner of her lips and Lexa finally let out a shiver. 

This gave Clarke much satisfaction and only encouraged her.

Under hooded eyes, Clarke looked at Lexa who was remaining as still as possible underneath Clarke’s touch. Clarke moved forward and straddled Lexa’s lap, wrapping her arms around her neck. 

“And we could just lay in bed all day if we wanted to. Or… lay in the sun all day. It’s up to you, but you could use a vacation.” 

Lexa let out a breath. She had to clear her throat before speaking. “Maybe that doesn’t sound so terrible.” 

Clarke smiled and finally kissed Lexa’s lips. 

***

 

It was a beautiful day on Saturday. Clarke and Lexa had arrived late last night and had spent the night drinking and talking with Lincoln and Octavia, waiting for the others to get there. Now Lexa stood in her cover-up, overlooking the backyard. The yard was actually the beach which led to the ocean.

Ahead of her was a volleyball net where Raven, Lincoln, Bellamy, Monty, Jasper, and Clarke were getting ready to play. Lexa folded her arms, a tight knot in her stomach. She still felt out of place with Clarke’s friends and was reluctant to go over to them. 

Then she felt a hand on her shoulder. It was Octavia. “Hey, what are you waiting for?” she asked with her half grin that Lexa had come to know last night. 

Lexa shook her head. “Sorry, I was just watching them.”

Octavia had a knowing look in her eyes, as if she knew what it was like to be out of place as well. “Come on, it’ll be fun. I promise.” 

Lexa followed the girl down the path to the beach. Her breath got caught in her throat though when she saw Clarke in her bathing suit. Obviously Lexa knew how attractive Clarke was, but seeing her a bathing suit was something else. 

“Let’s make teams, guys!” Octavia announced, but Lexa still didn’t take her eyes off of Clarke.

Clarke noticed and came over. “I was wondering what was taking you so long,” she whispered.

Speaking past the dryness in her mouth, Lexa said, “I was just watching you guys play from the house.” 

“Well now you can play with us!” Clarke led them over to where the group was, with Octavia trying to quiet everyone down. 

“Okay guys,” Octavia said, “who wants to be captains?”

Bellamy looked over at Lexa and Clarke. “How about them?” He smiled slyly at Clarke.

Clarke turned to Lexa, her eyebrows raised. Lexa couldn’t turn down a challenge, especially not against Clarke. 

“Who picks first?” Lexa asked, glancing back at the rest of the group. 

“Lexa’s the guest,” Lincoln said. 

“Hey, we’re all guests here!” Clarke tried to argue.

But Lincoln only shook his head. “Nope, Lexa goes first.”

Lexa smiled. “Lincoln, you’re on my team.” 

Clarke glared at Lexa before saying Bellamy’s name. Lexa continued to pick Octavia and Monty, and Clarke picked Raven and Jasper. Then they spread out on opposite sides of the net, Clarke starting with the ball.

Before they began, Lexa shed her cover-up, for she was growing hotter in the bright sun. She looked over at Clarke, who’s eyes widened a little at the sight of Lexa. She couldn’t help but laugh, which made Clarke aggressively serve the ball.

As the game moved on, it grew more competitive. Lexa and Clarke’s enthusiasm spread to the others, so that Octavia was shit talking Bellamy, and Raven was nearly sending death threats at Lincoln. And every time Jasper missed a served, Clarke nearly yelled at him. 

In the end, Lexa’s team won after Monty served a surprisingly strong serve that went right in the middle of the sand on the other side, where everyone crashed into each other trying to get to it.

Clarke was pissed. Lexa came over to her though, while everyone else was bragging that they had won to the other team. 

“Good game,” Lexa said, a smile creeping up her lips.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Clarke grumbled. 

“Hey, it’s only fair since you won the drinking contest,” Lexa pointed out.

Clarke shoved Lexa back playfully. “I never lose.” 

Lexa couldn’t help but pull Clarke closer to her by the waist. “Are you going to act bitter about this the rest of the weekend?” 

“Yes,” Clarke mumbled. 

Octavia called over to them, “How’s Clarke taking the loss?” 

“Not well,” Lexa shouted back. 

They decided no more volleyball for the rest of the weekend since the losing team couldn’t handle it. Some of them tossed a football around, Lexa watched Clarke with them. Then some of the girls laid out in the sun. 

When the sun began setting, Lincoln, Octavia, Jasper, and Monty went inside to cook dinner. Raven went on a walk with Bellamy down the beach. Clarke and Lexa were left sitting in the sand. 

“How long have they been together?” Lexa asked Clarke.

“Not that long. But they’ve been friends forever, so I wasn’t even surprised when they told me.” 

Lexa looked over at Clarke. “Remember when I thought you and Bellamy were dating?” 

Clarke laughed. “I remember. Bellamy is like a brother to me, like Octavia’s my sister.”

Looking down at her hands, Lexa muttered, “I wish I had had something like that growing up.”

“Why didn’t you?” Clarke wondered.

Lexa shrugged and looked out at the sea. “I was a shy child. And my father wanted me to focus on my studies. So I kind of ignored a lot of the other kids.”

“That's really sad, Lexa.” Clarke leaned over and kissed her girlfriend softly. “Do you want to go for a swim?” she asked once they had parted. 

Lexa nodded. The day had made her skin darker and she was sweating from the heat. So when they both dove into the ocean, the cold water felt amazing.

They swam out a little to where they could still touch but the water was up to their shoulders. 

“Thank you,” Lexa said. 

“For what?” 

“For forcing me to come out here.” 

Clarke rolled her eyes. “I did not force you. From what I remember, you were perfectly fine coming with me.” 

Lexa glared at Clarke. “You cheated.” 

“Oh really? How did I cheat.” 

“You used your body to get to me.” Lexa looked away, mocking anger. 

Clarke swam closer to her. “You weren’t complaining then.” 

“I’m not complaining now,” Lexa smiled, glancing back towards Clarke. “What I was trying to say was, thank you for allowing me to have fun this weekend.” 

Clarke’s lips twitched upward as she touched Lexa’s wet hair. “I’m glad you’re having fun with my friends.” 

“Even though I made you lose,” Lexa whispered.

Clarke splashed her. “Alright, you ruined it.”

Lexa laughed and pulled Clarke back to her. “So, what’s my reward for winning?” 

Clarke pressed closer to Lexa, running her fingers across the other girl’s stomach. She reveled in the way Lexa shivered. Tilting her head up slightly, she pressed her lips to Lexa’s. They tasted salty from the ocean water. Clarke wrapped her arms around Lexa and kissed her harder. Then, against her lips, she whispered, “I’ll show you later.” 

***

The next morning, Clarke woke from the midday sun shining through the window. Rays of light splayed across the bed where the her and Lexa lay. The brunette’s hair was in its natural state of curls. Clarke couldn’t help but reach over and run her hands through them. 

Lexa stirred and opened her eyes. “Hey,” she whispered. 

“Good morning,” Clarke replied.

“It actually is a good morning today,” Lexa smiled.

Clarke twirled a piece of Lexa’s hair between her fingers. “I never though I would hear you say those words. But technically, it’s almost lunch time.” She turned and got up from the bed, throwing on a bra, shirt, and shorts. She looked back to see Lexa gazing at her. “Enjoying the view?”

Lexa laughed and rested her head back on the pillows. “You caught me.” 

“I smell lunch being made. Come on,” Clarke gestured towards the door. 

Everyone was sitting at the table, passing around food. Clarke knew that Lincoln had made it, he was always cooking for Octavia. 

“Well look who finally decided to join us, sleepyheads,” Bellamy quipped. 

Clarke sat next to Lexa as she muttered, “I didn't actually get much sleep last night.” 

Raven looked over at them and snorted. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure the whole house heard you two.” 

Lexa tensed up next to Clarke in embarrassment, so Clarke took her hand in her lap. “Oh please, Raven. I doubt we beat you and Bellamy.” 

Raven scowled back at Clarke. “I’m going to get you back for that one, Griffin.” 

Clarke shrugged it off but the rest of the table was laughing at them. She looked over to see Lexa blushing so she squeezed her hand tighter. 

Then Lexa’s phone rang. “Excuse me, it’s work,” she said as she got up from the table.

Feeling weird without Lexa’s hand in hers, Clarke took a sip of her water. 

“That girl sure does work a lot,” Jasper pointed out.

Nodding, Clarke said, “She’s got an important job. I’m just lucky she could get this weekend off. But yeah, she takes her job pretty seriously.”

“She seems pretty serious about you,” Octavia said. 

Clarke just looked down at her breakfast, smiling. 

Lexa didn’t get off the phone until breakfast was cleaned up and people were getting ready to pack up to leave. 

“I apologize,” she whispered to Clarke when she came back.

“It’s fine,” she said, looking over at her girlfriend. She noticed a grim look on her face. 

Lexa’s lips were pressed tightly together and the looseness that Clarke had seen on her all weekend had disappeared. It sort of reminded Clarke of when they had first met. 

“Is everything okay?” Clarke wondered.

She took note of the way Lexa nodded too quickly and said, “Everything’s fine.” 

After saying goodbye to everyone, Lexa and Clarke began their drive home. Clarke tried conversation as she drove, but Lexa didn’t seem in the mood. 

The drive home was silent, and the longer they went without talking, the more Clarke worried. At one point she glanced over at Lexa who was looking out the window, appearing to be lost in thought. 

She wondered if it had anything to do with the phone call from work. Or if it was something she had done. 

By the time they arrived home, Clarke was in a frantic state. 

“I’m just going to go catch up on some work,” Lexa said quietly before disappearing into her room.

Clarke felt like a weight had been dropped in her stomach. Her hands were twitchy and she knew she needed to do something so she began cleaning. She took out the vacuum and cleaned the living room, then scrubbed every inch of the kitchen.   
When she looked at the time, she realized it was nine o’ clock and that she hadn’t eaten anything. But she didn't have much of an appetite anyway. 

Lexa hadn’t come out yet either. 

Clarke walked over to her doorway and knocked. Lexa said she could come in so she opened the door. Lexa was sitting in her bed on her computer with papers spread around her. 

“Have you been working all day?” she asked. 

“Yes, my eyes are burning,” Lexa said back. 

Clarke came over and sat on the edge of the bed. “Did you want anything to eat.” 

Lexa closed her laptop and finally made eye contact with Clarke. “No, I’m mostly just tired.” She began clearing the papers off her bed in an organized fashion. 

“Okay, I’ll leave you alone then,” Clarke muttered awkwardly, not knowing what else to say. 

“Clarke wait,” Lexa called before Clarke could leave. “Can you stay with me?” 

Relief filled her chest as she came over to Lexa. “Of course I can,” she said. 

They lay together in Lexa’s bed, with Lexa’s arms wrapped around Clarke. It was silent for a moment but Clarke needed to ask one more time.

“Are you sure everything’s okay?” Clarke’s voice was small. 

“Yes, Clarke, I’m just tired.” 

“Okay,” she whispered. 

They fell asleep swiftly, their breaths matching one another’s.

***

For once, Lexa was the first one to wake. She had had a restless sleep anyway. But her hands were still clutching Clarke close to her body. Even in subconscious, Lexa knew what she wanted. 

She watched Clarke sleep for a few moments. A feeling swirled in her stomach, making Lexa feel strange. But it happened every time she looked at Clarke. No matter what happened, Lexa would hold onto that feeling for as long as she could. 

Clarke’s eyes fluttered open, bringing Lexa back to reality. 

“Hi," Clarke whispered, looking up at Lexa.

Lexa ran her fingers down Clarke’s cheek. “You know I love you, right?” Her voice was so quiet when she said this, she was almost afraid Clarke didn’t hear it. 

But Clarke stayed laying down. Her eyes just closed slowly then opened again. “I know,” she said with a smile. Then she sat up and brought Lexa’s face down to hers. 

The kiss was long, drawn out. Lexa did not want to let Clarke go. 

When they parted, their foreheads still touching, Clarke whispered back, “I love you too.” 

Lexa covered Clarke’s hand with hers and let out a breath. A breath of relief? A breath of despair? She did not know. 

All she knew was that Clarke loved her. That was supposed to make everything okay, right? 

The two eventually got out of bed and went to work. Lexa walked in to her office in a good mood, and left in a bad one. Since she had been gone over the weekend, she had much to do still. 

It was late when she finally unlocked the door to the apartment. Clarke had music playing loud as she painted. 

Lexa dropped her keys on the counter along with her purse. She rubbed her fingers over her temple and shouted over the music, “Please turn that down.”

Clarke turned, surprised to see Lexa there. She turned it down and came over. “I didn’t hear you come in.” 

“Probably because you had your music so loud,” Lexa muttered, walking to the kitchen to get a glass of water. 

“Listen, I’m sorry about the music,” Clarke said. “I can tell your’e in a bad mood.” 

Lexa sipped her water. “I’m sorry, is it an inconvenience for you?” she asked plainly.

“What? No,” Clarke said, appearing confused. She came over to Lexa, a worried look on her face. “Are you sure everything’s fine?”

“It’s just work,” Lexa said, keeping her tone even. 

“I just feel like it’s more than that,” Clarke pressed. 

Lexa let out a sigh and set her glass down. She didn’t mean to be so rude all the time, especially not with Clarke. She guessed now she should just tell her. 

Steeling herself, she said, “I got offered a job at a firm in California.” 

***  
Clarke’s stomach dropped. Like a weight had been placed there. “Oh,” was all she could manage.

“I accepted it,” Lexa went on.

“You what?” Clarke was in disbelief. 

“I have to leave by the end of the week to get out there.” 

Clarke ran a hand through her hair and turned away, tears burning her eyes. “You didn’t even talk to me about this.”

Lexa said from behind her, “Would it have changed anything?”

Spinning around, Clarke shouted, “It would have changed everything!” 

Staring blankly back at her, Lexa said in an even tone, “I’m sorry, Clarke.”

“Why wouldn’t you ask me about it? We could have talked about it together. Figured it out.” She couldn’t help but let the pain show in her voice.

“There is nothing to talk about. I would have taken the job anyway. This is a big opportunity for me. I don’t know what my future can be here, but if I take this job in California, I’ll be able to become a partner there a lot faster than here.” 

“Did you ever stop to think that we could be happy here? You don’t know what job you could get here, it could be better than California!” 

“I’m sorry Clarke, but I made this choice for me. I know I can be happy out there.”

A few beats of silence passed between them. Clarke had begun crying. She had never felt this… betrayed before. It felt like someone has punched a hole in her chest and stolen what was there before. 

“Aren’t you happy here?” Clarke finally muttered weakly. 

Lexa’s eyes glistened, but no tears fell. “Of course I’m happy here," she replied quietly. She came to Clarke and pulled her close to her. “I haven’t been this happy in a very long time, Clarke. I owe that to you.”

“Then how can you just leave?” Clarke whispered into Lexa’s shoulder. 

Lexa didn’t reply. She just kissed Clarke’s hair. 

Clarke knew deep down that she couldn't ask Lexa to stay. She knew she couldn’t guilt her to stay. It just wasn’t fair to Lexa. But this wasn’t fair to her either. 

“Please don't leave me,” Clarke whispered. “Everyone always leaves me.” 

Lexa pulled back and held Clarke’s face in her hands. Her eyes had finally shed tears. Lexa leaned down and kissed her. Clarke pulled her closer, afraid they would never be this close again. 

The kiss was salty, just as it had been at the beach, but this one was tinted with sadness and tears. The one on the beach had been filled with hope and joy. Now all that was gone. 

Clarke only wanted to feel Lexa, she didn't want to feel this… this pain and betrayal. So she kept kissing her. And Lexa kept kissing her back. 

They removed their clothes as they made their way to Clarke’s room. This time there was no playful banter. Just shaky breaths between kisses. Tears falling on bare skin. Clammy hands against one another. 

When they were finished, they were both too exhausted with grief to stay awake. 

But when Clarke’s eyes opened, Lexa was gone. 

Her chest filled with dread as she threw off the covers and rand to Lexa’s room. 

It was empty, just as her bed had been.

Lexa was gone. Clarke was alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me at commanders-lexas on tumblr for more Clarke and Lexa


End file.
